strong as a can

what time is it? friday!

-who do you think is more excited about the expos potential move to vegas, the sports guy or ahren "mandalay bay is 2 minutes from my new crib" lembke-windler?

-homer bush signed with the yankees this week. it's his second tour with the yanks but i'll say it again. has there ever been a better baseball player/porn star name?

-so espn reported yesterday that the university of colorado is being exposed for the sex parties held for its football recruits. of course, everyone (except the sexual assault victims) is acting shocked and appalled, as if this is something new. cmon. haven't they seen He Got Game? didn't they see what ray allen was doing with his weekends away from la-la?

-i don't know what's worse about this article on cnn: the fact that georgia wants to take a giant leap backwards thru time, or the manly woman who's pushing for it.

-i know i work in a science-ish environment, so i guess i should've expected it. but my lower lip hit my knee after i had the following exchange in the elevator (which may be the slowest moving one ever made) the other day:
me: man this elevator sure takes its sweet time...
other guy: as long as it doesn't go any faster than 32 feet per second per second, it's fine by me.
me: [silence. turn and face the corner like the kids do in blair witch project]

i spilled leftover lasagna on my pants today while i ate lunch at my desk. so now i have red and brown stains on my crotch. and i gotta fuckin wash my other pair of work pants...

anyway, after hearing a call for further research, i hereby continue my study of competitive balance in sports:

instead of just this season's records for each sport, i totalled the records for the past 3 seasons. hockey and basketball are still going on, so i should point out they only have 2 1/2 seasons worth of data (the numbers for the NBA and NHL go thru last nite, but it is winning percentage so it shouldn't matter much). also, for hockey, i have included OT losses in the loss column. and i've increased the winning ptg cutoff to .400 cuz that seems a more round number than the previously used .385. So for the last three seasons, here's how many teams in each league had a combined winning ptg under 40%:

MLB
3/30 teams - that's 10%

NHL
4/30 teams - that's 13.3%

NBA
7/29 teams - that's 24.1%

NFL
8/32 teams - that's 25%

since i changed the criteria to .400, it's only fair to show the fraction of teams who can't win 2 out of 5 games in just this last season. this will only slightly change what i showed last time:

MLB
3/30 - 10% (up from 1/30 cuz the d-rays and padres were in between .385 and .400)

NHL
5/30 - 16.7% (this up from 4/30 last time, most likely because i added OT losses to the mix)

NBA
6/29 - 20.7% (this is down from 7/29 last time, so in the last two weeks one team went from really crappy to pretty crappy)

NFL
13/32 - 40.6%
im still shocked by this

you can see that averaging over 3 seasons doesn't change things much, except in football where the 16 game schedule can't compete with leagues whose schedules are at least 5 times longer. it should also be noted that over the last 3 years, the carolina panthers have a winning percentage of 39.6% and yet they are in the superbowl. this would never happen in any of the other three sports (never is a strong word, but perhaps that will lend itself to some further digging).

im not done yet. i have another way to slice things.

i took the best and worst records in the past three seasons for each sport and averaged them. here they are, ordered best, worst, differential (i.e best minus worst):

mlb: .660, .330, .330
nhl: .701, .272, .429
nba: .736, .241, .495
nfl: .812, .146, .666

by this time it should be no surprise. despite having a team in 2002 (seattle)make a run for the best record of all time and a team in 2003 (detroit) make a run for the worst record of all time, the mlb torched the other leagues in this analysis. so i'll say it again: baseball has the most competitive professional league. with a shedule twice as large as the nba and nfl and ten times as long as the nfl, it seems obvious games/year is a huge factor. but the shocker is that the nba and nhl play the exact same number of games/year (82) and clearly the nhl is more competitive. if only i could like hockey more. in any case, the nba is heading for a decline...

yesterday after making a briefing, one of my bosses came by, smiled, and said "aren't you just a silver-tongued devil."

i said thanks, but, uh, little help here? is that good? bad? does he think i ate a bag of nickels and danced a jig with the horned fellow?

something to make greg, ahren, and baseball fans everywhere laugh:

so today i see this quote on ESPN: "Baker: Abreu a Keeper" and in the article Jim Baker refers to Abreu as "a diamond in the rough."

abreu has been one of the top 5 NL outfielders for the past 6 years. you know this. i know this. my cats know this. EVERYONE FUCKING KNOWS THIS!

the best part? this was on ESPN insider - ya know, the thing they try to make you pay for cuz it gives really behind the scene knowledge. im glad the guys on the "inside" can enlighten me on the issue. seriously. this guy has been awesome for 6 years! and now they feel like they can let us in on the secret. maybe tomorrow they'll bring to our attention that this richie sexson guy may have some power, or how the older giles (there's two of them now everybody!!) is slightly above average.

i keep hoping they'll post something that says this article was supposed to be published in 1999...

aaahhh, friday. we have a soccer game tonite at 10:30pm. bizarre, eh? anyway, here we go:

-if you're a boss, can you "turn down" a resignation? i read this week that some members of the irani president's cabinet resigned, but according to the report, the irani pres would have to decide whether to accept or turn down the resignations. hahaha.
ahren: i quit and im moving to vegas.
boss: um, no.
ahren: uh, im not asking for a new office or a raise. im resigning.
boss: but im turning it down. i plan on seeing you here every week for the rest of your life!

-in addition to dame, broad, and rad (which im sure have made rampant comebacks into everyone's vocabulary), i would like to add "burn" as used on that 70's show. if yur unsure what this means, just watch one episode. kelso says it every week.

-some old aerosmith cd made it into the work rotation this week. steven tyler is funny.

-you know when you start a new job and you have to go to all those training/introductory seminars and crap? these are boring and all, but i feel very strongly on adding one: "The Difference Between 'Reply' and 'Reply-To-All', and When You Should Use Them." and you should have to re-certify once a year.

-we saw "the cooler" last nite. for those who don't know the premise, it's about a guy (william macy) hired by a casino to bring bad luck to the hot tables. and he is excellent at it, until he falls in love with a cocktail waitress and things go to shit. ninja and i both liked it a lot. cool flik. the main characters all played their roles very well and the wardrobes were fantastic. i would check it out.

how often do i hear complaints about the financial problems in major league baseball? owners, among others, claim a lack competitive balance hurts their ability to draw fans and, thus, increase revenues. they argue it's hard to pack the stadium and sell merchandise when your team isn't even winning. i think it's their belief that competetive balance leads towards a wider fan base, more desire by fans to attend games of their local team, more revenue for the franchise. seems like a logical argument, right?

well i thought i would make some comparisons with the other 3 major professional sports leagues in our country (basketball, football, and hockey). it seems to me that having a competitive balance in a league means there should be very few downright terrible teams. I am simply going to show the fraction (and percentage) of teams in each league that have a winning percentage under 38.5% (which is awful) in this current/past season. i mean, it must be hard to run a franchise when your team doesn't even win 2 out of 5 games, no?

MLB 2003 regular season
1/30 under .385 - that's 3.3% of the teams

NHL, 03-04, as of January 21
4/30 under .385 - that's 13.3%

NBA, 03-04, as of January 21
7/29 under .385 - that's 24.1%
the "weird" thing about this is how all i ever hear is how the NBA is the model for success of a pro sports league. if this is true, then competetive balance doesn't mean squat towards running successful franchises.

NFL, 2003 regular season
13/32 under .385 - that's an astounding 40.6%
geez! almost 1/2 the teams in the league suck ass! and this in the league with arguably the strictest salary cap rules, which is supposed to ensure the talent level stays relatively equal. also, is your team in the super bowl? probably not. will you watch? probably. can't say that about the world series.

well there you have it folks. by this measure at least, baseball indeed has the most competitive league, followed by hockey. the NBA and NFL, widely considered more successful leagues, are horribly unbalanced when it comes to cometitiveness.

my point: MLB starts to need looking for another scapegoat for their financial woes, cuz it ain't due to a lack of competitive balance.

on a side i also hear fans say, "i hate the yankees. they are bad for baseball. they ruin competitive balance and thus ruin the potential for a wider fan base, blah blah blah." i think that is absolute crap, and not cuz i'm a yanks fan. there will always be dynasties in sports. when the bulls won 6 championships where were the competitive balance complaints? what about the current lakers, who have 4 hall of famers in their starting lineup? or the lakers/celtics of the 80's? need i mention the yankees haven't won a world series since 2000? i think all these reasons makes the "competitive" argument kaput.

as for the "they ruin a potential for a wider fan base" thing, the yankees have been a major factor in the expansion of the MLB into latin america, and they are currently expanding MLB into asia (the yankees have a deal with the yomuri giants to televise yankee games in japan), a region containing potential fans with seemingly bottomless pockets. when we were boarding in tahoe, i swear a third of those on the slopes and in the casinos were japanese. if they will fly all the way to reno for a weeks vacation, it doesn't seem out of the question for them to pay to watch MLB games, buy MLB merchandise, or catch a few games on a vacation. so maybe king george isn't helping the fucking cincinnatti reds increase their fan base (by the way, does a fire sale ever happen in any other sport? rarely), but how can you deny their ability to increase fan base in general?

give it up for the ruskies. the former reds can't be all bad after this great save. dasvidania fellas!

great trip to buffalo this weekend. a lot of firsts:
-ninja mastered the spinny trick and is getting a lot of bend on her board with this trick now. smooth as silk.
-i successfully maneuvered threw the rail park.
-sarah hit mach 4.
-lemmer experienced his first real jumps (and stuck the landings) and is taking strides towards riding fakie.

weird thing about olean/ellicottville (the two towns we went to): every place we went to, it was like the record stopped when we walked in. at a hole in the wall bar, this is expected. at applebee's it is not. we also went to a gas station where inside, 3 teenagers were sitting around a plastic table and lawn chairs just hangin out. strange.

it started with stadiums, like Bank One BallPark and Cinergy Field. now this. how long until we have AOL High, or Time Warner Elementary?

yay friday. im only working a half day and then its the 6-hour haul to buffalo and the guaranteed injuries in the rail park...

-why do bud bottles cost less than bud cans? this phenomenon has been going on at our local grocery store for weeks now. there's no way making a bottle is cheaper than making a can, is there??

-to refer back to a previous blog: mike cameron will make more next year than roger clemens. for all you non-baseball fans, that means a journeyman outfielder with average (at best) offensive skills and great defense will make more money than a pitcher who is arguably in the top 5 pitchers. top 5 pitchers EVER TO WALK THIS PLANET.

-okayalright is my favorite moe song rite now.

-did anyone else see the kraft cheese commercial with dan marino in pads and a uniform winging cheese into a fridge? the guy's been retired since 1999, and he's starting to look old. who are they gonna have endorse their product next, y.a. tittle?

-the other nite, i may have acheived a first in yahtzee: 615 points. this included 4 "yahtzees," one of which was attained with 3 6's in the final roll (odds of this are 1/216). to give a little insight for anyone who is out of the yahtzee loop: we played 2 games, 1-on-1, and our three other individual scores didn't top 550 combined. has anyone ever matched or heard of such a yahtzee feat?

great o.c. last nite. luke and summer making great strides. am i the only one who wants marissa written off the show?

anyway, so politics. not at all my realm. but i am making an effort to learn and thus have a qualified opinion. with all the hype about the democratic primaries, i am trying to gather as much info as possible about the candidates (not that i would vote until the big election). this page on cnn seems to have some "important" stuff (i.e. where they all stand on certain issues) but their views seem oddly vague (shocking, rite?). like,

q: what do you want to do with the economy?
a: improve it.

oh well in that case you must be our man...

whenever the comments decide to rejuvenate themselves can i get some opinions or ideas on where to look for stuff?

also i'll set some odds for the weekend.
lemmer and ninja master the spinny trick: 1-1
lemmer and/or ninja 180: 3-1
sarah tears up the rails: 5-1
i finally land a 360: 10-1
i get hurt trying to land a 360: 1-5
i convince lemmer to try something i saw on SSX and is way out of our league: no line

so after having a nagging hack of a cough since before x-mas, one that would sometimes have me doubled over with dry heaves (quite a pleasant experience), it was time to have a doctor check it out.

naturally, in the 36 hours between the decision to seek medical attention and the appointment, i didn't cough once and was apparently cured. anyway, so i get called in, and the assistant has to take my temperature. she hands me this pen like thing, and resisting the urge to joke "i'm not putting that in my ass," i stick it under my tongue. 96.6 degrees.

"this can't be," she says. so we do it again, this time with her placing it in the exact spot it needs to go under my tongue: 95.4 degrees.

so at this point the assistant thinks either im suffering from hypothermia or i have an ice cube in my mouth, so we go to another room and go through the same routine. 96.2 degrees.

at this point, i think it's time for the truth to come out. i'm part reptile.

oh, the dreaded german potato bandit. looks like this guy went to the well one too many times. seriously, i can't even believe cnn posted this.

maybe because wherever i have worked post-college i know we will be moving in the near future or maybe because i can't stand ackward introductions and/or conversations with people i don't (and will never) directly work with, i generally stay under the radar in my workplace. evidence my plan is succeeding (keep in mind i have been working here for 4 months):

(1) the nameplate of the person who i replaced still hangs outside the door (i turned it backwards so now it is just a blank white slate)
(2) i have no mailbox in the office breakroom (this may be the best one)
(3) one of the head bosses just said "good morning jason" to me
(4) my floor has maybe 25 people on it and i still get that "security! there is a stranger microwaving soup!" look at least 3 times a week at lunch

on the other hand, i did get a box of like 2000 business cards a while back (even though 1 business card is 1 more than i'll ever need)...

happy friday. as my first week back at work, im tired and am craving a nap. anyway here are some longer-than-usual random thoughts...

-i don't wear ties to work anymore, like i did when i was a teacher. so now i wear v-neck tees under my work shirts. and i find this hilarious. the best is when im changing after work and catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror wearing the white v-neck tee, boxers, and black/brown socks. two words: dead sexy.

-no one whose jump shot looks like some demented soccer throw in should ever ever tell me how to run the point in a game of pick-up basketball.

-the toilet seat in the bathroom at work is broken. one of the hinges is busted, so now it shifts horizontally like a crazy bastard. my question is: how violent of a poop must you have to take in order to do this? are you, like, grabbing the handicap bar and yanking yourself back and forth? seriously...

-i would like to meet chester cheeto. in fact, i'd be willing to bet that in a fight, chester would wreck tony the tiger. yes tony is bigger and more healthy looking, but chester is clearly more scrappy and rather cunning. i bet he would hide a shiv somewhere on his person.

-i hereby make a motion to, from this point forward, only refer to "california pizza kitchen" as "californina pizza chicken." and if you do ever eat there, i suggest either the bbq chicken pizza or the sante fe pizza.

in case there was any doubt we live in/near the styx...

in the break room at work the following signs are posted on the bulletin board:
"fresh eggs. available immediately. call roger." [does that mean they're in his desk?? and you guys think tuna is stinky...]

directly below that one is:
"need to stable your horses? we offer great rates for summer/winter boarding."

our elevator should have those swinging saloon doors and the soda machine should only offer sasperella.

i knew the mets signed mike cameron a while back. what i didn't know is that they are paying him slightly more than $6 million a year. hang on a sec...

ok, i just lost my cookies in my office garbage pail. $6 MILLION!!! please please look at these numbers, but in case you don't want to i will sumarize:

career high avg = .267
career high hr's = 25
# of times runs > 100 = none
# of times rbi's > 100 = once
next highest rbi total = 80
time he enters phase of career where steals decline tremedously = now

just when we thought salaries were going down...i didn't know playing good d, wearing yur hat crooked, and striking out as much as rob deer (while lacking all the power) got you 6 mil.

when i can muster up the courage i will rant about how tejada doesn't even deserve close to $12 mil a year, and how if he does nomar deserves his $15 mil.

tahoe = bliss. our trip was fantastic. except for getting slammed at the bj tables. and wrenching my back on the first day (but codeine + naproxen + budweiser made that ok for the rest of the trip). the snow was pure ecstasy.

new episode of the o.c. tonite. 9pm fox. don't miss it.

so for a while my dad has been telling us to rent "the producers" when we were bored. so we got it. watched it last nite. i fell asleep in the 1st 15 minutes and nina said i didn't miss much. it had gene wilder and was made by mel brooks. i really thought it would've been better.

a book to check out: "a heartbreaking work of staggering genius" by dave eggers (lauren's boyfriend, right after jude law). it's just eggers telling his life story and the thoughts that went with it from age 21-27ish. i really enjoyed it. very funny and oddly inspiring.

and there's a new strongbad email. very good. wait a minute, i saw it last nite, it was called "army." i just went to link it and it's not there. i swear i saw it. what's happening here?