strong as a can

i bet if you polled nfl fans about the one thing that drives them insane about the current rules in the game, a substantial percentage would go with defensive pass interference. it's come to the point where all you need to do to get a first down is throw 3 deep balls. no, you don't need to catch any either. you are all but guaranteed to get a flag on one, even if the ball on the play in question is 15 yards over the receiver's head, or out of bounds. i can't tell you how many hours i spend on sundays yelling "uncatchable! uncatchable!" at my tv, waiting to hear the ref say the penalty won't be assessed. i wait a long time. and then i cry.

but just like most other major sports, the nfl is trying to "broaden it's fan base" by empowering offenses and encouraging scoring with this new "even less contact with the wide receiver" rule. fuck it, who needs a running game? teams should just send out 6 receivers. why get 5 yards/carry when you can get (at least) 15 yards/penalty?

it's no stretch to say that defensive back is the hardest position in football. you have guys who are 5'7" trying to outjump guys who are 6'4". you have guys constantly fearing the long ball trying to stop 7 step square outs. so let's make it even harder on them. this is pretty much like saying "okay, let's play tag. you're it, but you can't touch anyone until they run past you."

all of this means we're going to be graced with like 20% more wonderfully choreographed receiver-core end zone celebrations. i can't wait.

garden state. simply awesome. i don't want to say much here because i can tell this is going to be one of those films "cool" people like. for the most part i have always avoiding being a natalie portman fan, just because the "cool" people liked her. but she completely won me over here. actually, this movie had the best characters i've ever seen this side of a coen's bros movie. plus great cinematography and a cool soundtrack.

an added treat to seeing garden state was that since it was not a mainstream film, we got to see previews for non-mainstream movies. marky mark and the kid from rushmore in i love huckabees (maybe "i heart huckabees"?), and bill murray/owen wilson in some movie about deepsea divers (the name was long and i don't remember - captain something and the something something). also, the day i replace a "clerks" quote as my blog title, i find out there's gonna be a sequel. so we have all those to look forward to.

we also caught "all the real girls," which i thought was hilarious. but do yourself a favor and skip "bad santa." billy bob thorton has definitely lost a step.

thanks for the book recommendations - my queue now includes 2001, quicksilver, steppenwolf, and a book about that che guy so i can find out what all the hype/t-shirts are about. also on the book front, i've stopped buying books. sure the books from the library have pages that look like they've been peed on, but you walk into a library, and the little old lady is all "grab a book. don't cost nothin'."

saturday i finished 30th out of 327 in a poker tourney. lost on an all-in with A-K unsuited to A-Q unsuited. still, i was pleased with that outcome.

friday i lost all in with A-J suited to pocket 3's (he called me). that i was not so pleased with.

it's only a matter of time before mom's actually DO have eyes in the back of their heads.

check out this article regarding parents complaining about their kids' summer reading assignments. when referring to the reading and writing required by her children's school, one mother said

"I don't know what good this really does."

yeah me neither. because reading and writing tend to have a negative effect on your kid's education. seriously. how can this woman be a parent?

i also like where they solicit the opinion of a parent who co-authored a book called "The End of Homework: How Homework Disrupts Families, Overburdens Children and Limits Learning."

she's currently working on vol. 2, titled "The End of Intelligence: How To Mold America's Youth into Worthless Piles of Dogshit." oprah has promised to put it on her book list.

not a good sign for the "new" iraq - as part of the najaf cease-fire negotiations, al-Sadr has been pardoned from 2003 murder charges, made a free man, and not forced to attone for any of the deaths his fighters caused on the part of the iraqi police/army forces.

so let's get this straight. you (potentially) murdered a cleric last year, turn a holy place into a street fight, killing iraqi troops fighting on behalf of the new government, and then when your back is up against a wall and you have NO WHERE TO GO and no option but to surrender to the hands of this new government, you are excused without so much as a slap on the wrist. if this is how justice will be served there, how is it different from the "old" iraq?

-after 5 months of probably no more than 6 total coffees, i am back on the sauce. i had at least 10 cups this week. the down side is that my bathroom breaks have nearly tripled (my bladder is roughly the size of a silver dollar). and while everyone loves the sight of the pink mints and rogue pubic hair, i could probably live without it. the upside is that it's been so long that i'm even enjoying the corporate sludge churned out in the break room. don't ask me how i'm somehow liking powdered creamer.

-after all my hollering (actually im sure it had nothing to do with that), an email was sent out at my work about proper use of reply vs. reply-to-all, and when it is okay to send mass emails.

-ordering pasta with alfredo sauce is always a risk. it might be great, or it might be left to solidify under a heat lamp.

-i went all-in last nite with A-K unsuited (diamonds, hearts). got 2 callers - A-2 (hearts, diamonds) unsuited, and A-K unsuited (spades, clubs). im thinking, whew, no 2's and i'll split the pot. but no - 4 clubs hit the board.

-on august 10th i wrote:
"speaking of cleveland, they are 58-55 and have blown 21 saves. take just 5 off that atrocious number and they'd be 63-50, which would put them in a tie for first. they are the best team in the AL central now that the sox lost frankie boy and mags. if wickman has anything left in the tank, they will take the twins (who can only ride santana's coattails so far) by mid-september."
well, they won their first 5 after those words were published, making me feel pret-ty good about my prediction. but then the tribe followed that up with a 9 game losing streak, and now stand 8 games behind the twinkies with a 64-65 record. at least i can take solice in my wickman qualifier, as he lost 2 games in that losing streak.

"head of state" and "i spy" have to be the most underrated comedies hbo has shown in recent years.

so we've been playing a lot of online poker lately, and i have done well enough in low limit games to cash out with some profit, and use the additional winnings to enter some no-limit tournaments. on sunday nite, we played in our first ever online tourney. after 40 hands and only playing in 4, we were knocked out on going all-in pre-flop (we were short stacked), and we had the better hand odds wise. we had A-K, and i forget what they had (it was worse). we lost. i was ticked, but accepted that we played right and that we could've helped ourselves earlier in the game with smarter betting. we finished roughly 70th out of 140ish.

so we played in another one last nite. after about one go-around the table, 4 people are out and we have 1.5 times our starting stack. we've only played 2 hands and won them both. they re-organize so our table has 10 players again. so we're the big blind and get dealt A-A. so we raise 10x the big blind (150), and some guy puts us all in. you can't possibly fold A-A pre-flop, so we're all in. and the guy turns over Q-A. YES!!!! we now have 4 times our original stack in under a 1/2 hour of play.

oh wait, no we don't. we're out. 93rd out of 110ish. because two Q's came on the flop. un. fucking. believable.

while i was fuming, i figured out that we were roughly 92-94% favorites with that hand...

on cnn today, from a spokesman for al-Sadr's militia, referring to the potential peaceful protestors who may travel to najaf:

"Let them come," al-A'rajy said. "We welcome a peaceful process. We welcome anything to stop the conflict."

they edited out the part where he said "except refraining from firing our weapons."

so this post is in response to caroy noting that there is a remake of the warriors on the way. as most of you know, i have very strong feelings towards the 70's cult classic and am thus absolutely horrified of it being tainted with some MTV garbage-y update.

if a remake were even contemplated, these are the things that absolutely cannot be omitted:

-any of the gangs. i don't want any new "cool" gangs. changing or eliminating any of the original gangs is simply not permitted. touch the baseball furies or roller-skaters-with-overalls and you shall be condemned. they could probably make the lezzies more attractive though.
-the scene where the bad guy steals a pack of gum.
-the use of the phrase "i hope we can at least get some wolf out of this."
-the "can you dig it" scene. clearly, samuel jackson must play cyrus. this is non-negotiable.
-how the members of the warriors were, except for ajax, not cool, not tough, and extremely funny looking.
-the random scene where one of the warriors is arrested by the undercover cop sitting alone in a park in the middle of the night.
-the deejay. and i don't mean the concept of the dj, i mean the dj herself. the lady hasn't done anything since being the host of "where in the world is carmen san diego?" throw her a friggin bone.
-the three bottles clinking together. don't mess with "warriors, come out and plaayyy!"

and things that cannot be added:
-any of the proposed "matrix-like" fighting scenes. no, no, and no. the only enhancements to fighting scenes that are acceptable are slo-mo's (of guys getting thrown in front of trains, of guys getting smashed into bathroom stalls/bathroom mirrors, etc)
-any songs to the soundtrack that are played on MTV. classic wu-tang is the only acceptable hip-hop.
-any updated technology. no cell phones, computers, pagers, etc. remember, the warriors can't have any contact with the rest of the gang or the plot is ruined.
-any famous actors, with the exception of the aforementioned jackson and david schimmer, who has to play the leader of the orphans.
-any attractive people. the whore in the pink dress needs to be as sleazy as possible, and the guy who sets up the warriors must be the ugliest human we've seen since the original.
-any new/modern weapons. there's only two guns permitted (one for the lezzies, one for the repulsively hideous bad guy), and they have to be crappy and rusted. everyone else fights with shivs, broken bottles, 2x4's, pipes broken off bathroom ceilings, etc.

there's probably more to add to these lists, but im just getting furious thinking about it. this and my re-addiction to coffee have given me a mean case of the shakes.

awesome. i can't wait to see republicans squirm and whine and cry over ellen degeneres playing god in an upcoming movie. let's play "who can come up with the best back-and-forth between any two people regarding this topic." and yes, i am currently marketing this as the game with the longest title ever. i'll go first:

george bush: i don't understand. god is a lesbian?
dick cheney: no dubya. my daughter is a lesbian.
gb: oh goodness! your daughter is god?
dc: no, no. she can't be. i won't let her get married.
gb: how can god be a lesbian? how did she have jesus?
dc: maybe she lived in one of them hippie states where they allow lesbians to adopt.
gb: jesus is adopted?
dc: ooh, i'm not sure. what i AM sure of is that i no longer have stock options for haliburton.
gb: my head hurts. i need to go chainsaw something.

ok. have at it! might i recommend someone using mel gibson as a player...

i forgot to mention this, but a few weeks ago my folks came in town. in was exhausting, and one of the things we did was catch a columbus clippers game (yanks AAA club). they were playing none other than the (d-rays) durham bulls. i was slightly weired out by the fact that such a renowned minor league team is affilliated with such a new franchise, but whatever. this trip completed the yanks farm system triumverate for me, as i have now been to their A (tampa), AA (norwich), and AAA (columbus) parks. though i suppose the AA one is kaput since they moved to trenton. my dad has one upped me, since he's been to their short season staten island park. for all you new yorkers out there, he said that one was really nice. as far as the stadiums are concerned, tampa was the nicest (it's a miniature yankee stadium), followed by norwich, and then columbus (they had a chain link fence - that's gross).

now on to the game. we must've just missed bj upton, but we did see joey gaithright (of) and jorge cantu (2b). gaithright is purely a "phenom" because of his blazing speed. this guy had three of the worst ab's i've ever seen a pro have (all k's). i mean, he wasn't even taking 3/4's of a swing. it was disgusting. he was so late on 85 mph fastballs and looked horrible on breaking stuff. im sure he was just having a (really) off day because no scout could EVER like him if this was even remotely typical.

cantu, on the other hand, looked great. he looked pretty good in the field, but can really stick it. he's got a nice line drive swing that will start to add power as he gains a few years. what's cool about seeing AAA is the potential for these guys to be in the bigs soon. and both cantu and gaithright are there right now.

the d-rays also had this closer who threw like 97. i forget his name. he was a little latin american guy. he's gotta be better than danny baez. also, half the bulls' lineup was hitting .300, and the IL is generally not a great hitting league (it's no PCL, that's for sure). sweet lou's gotta be loving all these youngings.

the yanks, on the other hand, didn't have squat other than andy phillips. their number 4 hitter was mike kelly - he's 34 years old. can you say depleted farm system? also, i was unimpressed with dioner navaro cuz he is fat. he has a hose, but needs to lose a pound or 20.

the only downside of going to this game was learning that the city of columbus blows. it was horrible to navigate around, and there were no restaurants other than crappy chains. and the ballpark was located between a picturesque scrap yard and Al's Transmissions. no good. cmon george, let's get an upgrade here.

so the metallica documentary. i liked it. obviously if you don't like the band, don't see the movie. but it was an interesting insight into how a band that has been on top for so long handles both the changing priorities of the members and challenges of continuing to make successful albums and adapting to the current scene. they didn't delve much into the whole jason-james falling out thing, focusing mostly on the lars-james power struggle. and there was some awesome lines from kirk hammet, who has somehow maintained the kinky, curly rock star hair. he seems like a really nice guy, but totally weird.

we also saw open water. it's only 80 minutes long. i can't say much more than that without ruining it for future viewers, but let's just say i can't tell if i liked it a lot or not at all.

on saturday we played mini golf. at probably the most difficult mini golf course ever. we should've known what we were getting into when we saw the practice putting greens (yes, there were 2) near the entrance. the course had sand traps and water hazards. and a par 5. and three holes per hole (you shoot for the one with the flag in it) so they could vary the course every day. and greens that weren't flat. i think par was around 60. honestly, i don't see how a little kid could break 100. the only thing missing was the clown from happy gilmore laughing at you as you 8-put.

but we went to cold stone creamery afterwards, so that erased the memory of my 65.

-we're going to see that metallica documentary tonite. in a theater that sells beer. there better be a bottle of jack passed around, hetfield style.

-the 2b platoon in wrigley-ville has be confused. todd walker has 13 hr's in less than 300 ab's, and his OPS is .857. mark grudzielanek has 2 hr's in just under 200 ab's, and his OPS is .721. well, i figured it was just about defense til i scanned their numbers: walker's FP is .981 and zone rating is .809, while grud's is .984 and .848. looks to me like a minor defensive upgrade for a major offensive downgrade.

-why does repealing the tax cuts "given" to the rich appeal to america's average joes? what direct benefit does a factory worker see if mr. and mrs. moneybags are forced to give more money to the government? it's not like mr. minimum wage will be paying less tax. all it means is that there will be less money in the hands of wealthy consumers, who are likely to use that money to do things like buy cars or build houses (both of which would be creating jobs for the EveryMan).

-quote from usher song "confession" being played all over the radio right now: "my shit on the side has one on the way." heh. shit on the side.

-i haven't read a book in like 2-3 weeks. i need a recommendation stat. my default is steinbeck's "the short reign of pipin IV." what are you guys & dolls reading?

labatt's should start thinking of hiring this real bear for it's commercials.

i saw this headline on cnn today:

"Bush proposes new benefits for Guard, reservists"

do those benefits include being pulled out of retirement to deploy to iraq? or having their deployments extended way beyond what they agreed to? cuz they already have those benefits. asshole.

also, this thing in najaf with the radical cleric al-sadr has been bothering me. let me recap:

(1) like a week or so ago, al-sadr vowed the fighting in najaf will be to the death. they absolutely will not surrender.

(2) a few days later, al-sadr tells his fighters that if he is killed or captured, they should fight to the death. wait, what? captured? what happened to the whole no surrender thing?

(3) after literally hundreds of his supporters are killed in the fighting, al-sadr himself suffers minor shrapnel wounds (nothing life threatening), and miraculously, later that day agrees to cease-fire negotiations.

can this guy possibly still have credibility with his troops? does the iraqi public still think it is acceptable for people with RPG's to be holed up in a mosque, claiming you can't shoot them cuz they're in a holy place while simultaneously firing rockets at iraqi police? also, isn't he wanted by the new iraqi government for murder? why is he not being detained during these negotiations?

so on saturday nite we got to play texas hold em. we were struggling to find players right up until game time, but we wound up with an 8 person game. yup, it was looking like it was gonna be a nice little game.

so everybody shows up, we're sitting around, drinking beer, eating some chips, whatever. so nina and i call for order to explain the rules, rotation of blinds, etc to the one guy who'd never played. we even play a practice hand, during which the room is just a ruckus of side conversations, people getting up for snacks, beer, jelly beans. im thinking this is not a real good sign.

so we start playing and the table is just a nightmare. dealing lanes blocked by plates (one guy brought rhubarb cheesecake that he'd just made - are you fucking kidding me??!!??), forearms, coasters. no one is paying attention except the 3 of us who organized the game. the olympics are on in the background and cause for constant distraction.

we were going to rotate the deal, but on the third hand we realized half of the guys couldn't (a) shuffle, or (b) deal cards without flipping them over. at this point im going slightly insane. im starting to tick like harland williams after drinking piss. i have to call each player by name when it's their turn to post the blinds, and then again when it's their turn to bet. my god, i swear it took an hour to play 8 hands. we had guys betting red chips and then after the hand saying "oh red's are five?", other guys folding to a check. at this point im on the verge of hammer kicking the next person who gets up for a piece of cheesecake or a goddamn jelly belly. oh yeah, and i haven't been in a hand yet.

but shit finally settles down after the first elimination. with four players left i'm severely short stacked, but managed to double up like 4 times because guys kept staying in against my big raises with small pairs. eventually it's just two of us, and an hour later i'm the winner.

we played two more games, and predictably, the other two people who knew what they were doing each won once (nina and our friend shawn). i still think this has the potential to be a regular game, but we know which guys to forget to ask next time.

it wound up being a really fun night. in that first hour, though, all i could think of was how any of you poker-lovers would of flipped your respective lids over the chaos.

rhubarb cheesecake. really.

oh my work fantasy league - stick a fork in me. i've spent the most money and im all but out of the money (top 4 teams). i'll rant on how almost everyone i have underperformed some other time, but today i want to focus on wins. it's a 4x4 league (avg, hr's, rbi's, sb's, wins, saves, era, whip) and i have gotten hammered in wins even though i have a good staff. it's an NL only league, so here's the league's "unluckiest" pitcher's (i've defined a quality start to mean 6+ innings of 2 earned runs or less, or 7+ innings of 3 earned runs or less. this is a stricter definition than usual, and it means no 5 inning shutout gets you a QS):

pitcher (wins/quality start)
glavine (.444)
od. perez (.429)
clement (.571)
sheets (.600)
ol. perez (.667)
d. wells (.700)
l. hernandez (.750)

i have 3 of these guys in my rotation (sheets, clement, wells). but poor tom glavine - 18 qs's with only 8 wins. glad to see all that defense they went out and got did him wonders.

and just in case you're wondering, here's the AL's unluckiest:

pitcher (wins/quality start)
arroyo (.444)
radke (.467)
harden (.636)
lilly (.727)
sabathia (.750)
hudson (.778)
halladay (.778)

-i haven't listend to biggie's life after death cd in well over a year, and today when i woke up i had the lyrics to "i got a story to tell" running thru my head. the mind is truly an interesting thing. and b.i.g. was one helluva rapper. by the way, can anyone confirm or deny the rumor that biggie wrote this song about former knick anthony mason's wife?

-it should be in every company's by-laws that listening to voicemail on speaker phone is strictly prohibited. as should be whistling "thriller" all day, and saying "o-tay" a la buckwheat instead of "okay." not that the guy in the office next to me does all three of these things CONSTANTLY or anything.

-the o.c. season premiere isn't until november 4th!! remember when shows used to start around the beginning of school?

-i swear someone must've wiped their armpits, feet, and ass in the boxing gloves we had to use at kickboxing last night. i washed my hands 4 times yet the stink didn't completely come off until this morning, when it was masked by the good old gas pump smell.

-my office is on the top floor and these week there was work being done on the roof. and by work i mean really fucking loud shaking, banging, drilling, and some more shaking. if i lean back in my chair and flood my lungs with nitrous i would feel like i was at the dentist.

a lot has been made of the ridiculousness of the nfl and mlb drafts. drafts are intended to help the weaker teams but now the worst teams can't afford the best player in the draft. it's completely out of hand in baseball, that's a given. and it's heading that way in the nfl, what with the eli manning demands and kellen winslow hold out (the impetus for this post).

every former player seems to agree this is ridiculous. you hear them talking about how these kids are demanding unbelievable sums of money before they've even caught a pass or thrown a pitch in the pros.

every current player seems to agree this is ridiculous. members of the most powerful unions in the world, especially in the nfl where there is some form of salary cap, have to realize that the rookies (non-union members until they sign) are taking money from their pot of money, making it harder for them to get big long-term contracts that they "deserve" after performing at the professional level for a few years.

every owner (except maybe steinbrenner, but he never gets the top picks anyway) has to agree this is ridiculous. they are spending ungodly amounts of dough on nothing but potential, money that could go out the window with a torn acl or rotator cuff in their first practice.

everyone sees the problem, yet can't identify the cause. they incorrectly blame the draftees. they whine about how the rookies are greedy, how agents are ruining the game, how everyone is catering to this unproven rookies.

and mabye the rooks are money hungry. maybe teams are catering to them. but whose fuckin fault is that??? certainly not the draftees. you cannot possibly blame them for looking at what the current trend is and trying to capitalize on it. winslow just got 16 million reasons to feel like he did the right thing. something tells me that had a little more to do with him being in camp than a phone call from jeff garcia.

so please, analysts everywhere, stop pointing the finger in the wrong direction. the cause of the problem is the owners. nowadays they always give in. always.

these leagues can set up whatever draft rules they want. how hard is it to set up something like they have in the nba? i've been over this before. 1st pick gets x dollars for t years, 2nd pick gets y dollars for t years, etc. obviously the dollar amount will decrease, and maybe second round guys get fewer year deals in case they don't work out.

fix the draft and you fix the problem. but as much as i can't stand kellen winslow, with his "im i soldier!" tirades and the stupid unneccessary roughness penalties, he and his peers are not ruining the competitiveness of major sports.

both arod (.890) and jeter (.775) are putting up their worst OPS's since the 1997 campaign. bernie hasn't put up an OPS this low (.773) since 1993 when he replaced roberto kelly. we won't even discuss giambi.

only 3 regulars in their lineup (posada, sheffield, and matsui) are performing at or above the level they have in the past few years. the yanks rank 9 in the AL in batting average (boston is 4th), 3rd in OBP (boston is 2nd), and 4th in SLG (boston is 1st).

their pitching staff is in shambles, with only 1 starter not spending time on the DL (javy). they rank 6th in the AL in era (boston is 3rd), and 5th in OPS allowed (boston is 2nd).

their team fielding ptc is .981 to boston's .980.

yet they have the best record in the AL by 7 games and lead boston by 9.5. in general i am a numbers guy. but the numbers here just don't add up. something is different between the two squads.

i guess you have to add me to the list of those who believe the fairy tale notion that the yankees just know how to win.

a sure fire way to piss me off and also the cause of me raising my voice for the first time at work:

me: this thing doesn't work.
co-worker: did you do what it says in that interface [follow at all costs, most important] document?
me: yes.
[hands document to cw]
cw: no you're not. see these variables you're sending me? they're wrong.
me: but im sending what the document says to.
cw [looking at document]: no you're not.
me [grabbing paper, starting to raise voice]: the paper says send A. i'm sending A!
cw: but you need to send B.
me [quasi-yelling, scaring the amish looking intern]: it says send A!!
cw: well, you should've interpreted that to mean B.
me: aarrgghh!!!
[crashing sound as said terrified amish intern is thrown javelin style into cw]

we saw barton fink a while back. it was pretty weird and somewhat disconnected so we checked up on it. sure enough - film noir. im not sure if i would've wanted to see it had i known that before hand, as my only other film noir experience was mulholland drive and we all know where i stand on that one. i suppose i would've given the coen brothers the benefit of the doubt and checked it out regardless.

anyway, i liked fink much better than mul dr. somewhat because the story had some semblance of a plot, but mostly because the characters were interesting and very well played. the coen bro's have a soft spot for goodman and turturro (big lewbowski, o brother where are thou), with good reason. turturro is expectedly good as the main character (fink), but goodman is just stupendous as the constantly sweating guy next door.

at the end i was sort of just like, "um...well...huh." i sat there with sort of a dumb smile on my face for a few seconds, not sure if i was satisfied with the ending. but i guess that is expected for this type of film.

or maybe i'm just not "smart" enough to read into all the nuances or whatever that "smart" film people can.

does anyone kill the middle-away fastball like hideki matsui? everyday you see this guy hitting line drives over the center fielder's head, or putting balls into the right-center bleachers at yankee stadium. this guy is having an unbelievable season: he's in the top 10 in the AL in hr's, rbi's, and OPS. i don't think anyone expected him to improve this much over last season. the only guy putting up similar (actually better) numbers with less hype is travis hafner, who is quietly becoming a superstar in cleveland.

speaking of cleveland, they are 58-55 and have blown 21 saves. take just 5 off that atrocious number and they'd be 63-50, which would put them in a tie for first. they are the best team in the AL central now that the sox lost frankie boy and mags. if wickman has anything left in the tank, they will take the twins (who can only ride santana's coattails so far) by mid-september.

someone on the lemmer's page mentioned the perfect storm, to which i immediately chuckled and thought of good ol marky mark. this got me thinking of some of his other movies...

we all know boogie nights is just pure classic, with marky (don't you dare say wahlberg) playing that role unbelievably well. just thinking of him doing those karate kicks makes me laugh my ass off. and the "feel my heat" scene is among my top 10 favorite of all time.

sure he has done some crappy movies like planet of the apes (that ape-kissing scene was awful). and we can all pretend the italian job was as cool as it should of been or that he only took the part to make out with charlize theron.

but generally i think he is one of the most underrated actors out there. case and point is the movie rock star. say what you want about the flik (i actually liked this movie - that doesn't mean you will) but at the very least it was marky capturing a role brilliantly. no one does that 80's rocker thing better.

in three kings, he helps salvage it a little with his unintentional-yet-intentional comedy. in fear, he plays a great psycho. i thought he was good in the corruptor, working along side chow-yun fat. yup, he's come a long way since the funky bunch.

if anyone's seen "i heart huckabee's" (his latest movie) please give some info before i put it on my netflixx queue on marky's merit alone. lizzo - jude was in this, so im sure you've seen it...

-if you guys haven't played peasant quest yet, go. play now.

-is it just me, or is larry's wife on curb your enthusiasm sickeningly annoying? wipe that fuckin smile/sneer off your face!

-ohio billboard of the week (located directly above the previously mentioned paternity test sign): "legs swollen? in pain? call the hospital." it just doesn't get any better.

-i heard this 65-ish year old man talking about his golf game the other day and how thanks to his new driver he's driving the ball 50 yards further than ever. what's with these new golf clubs? soon the clubs will just look like a stick with a christmas ham attached. seriously. chubby old guys should not be hitting the ball further now than they did 20 years ago.

-in my office fantasy baseball league, im last in homeruns. with these 6 power hitters that i drafted, i woulda never thought this was possible: piazza, sexson, klesko, giles, luis gonzalez, green. every single one of them are underperforming (or out for the year). klesko has 4 hr's. that's as many as vance wilson, and with 3 times the ab's! un-frickin-believable.

ugh. it's getting to be that dreaded point in the summer when nfl football camps open.

it's not that i don't like the nfl. i do, at least moderately. it's just that right when pennant races are really starting (read: teams like the reds finally cash out) and the post-season runs are heating up, sportscenter will dedicate at least half of their coverage to nfl pre-season bullshit. last nite there were 2 walk-off hr's, one aired on espn itself. but sportscenter spent 10 minutes on the quincy carter debacle, 10 minutes on other football camp news (tim brown, etc) and then 10 minutes on usa basketball's PRE-olympic games. not a baseball highlight was to be seen until halfway thru the show, and then in the final 90 seconds of the program they sped thru highlights from 3 mlb games.

the nfl's opening sunday isn't for a month and a half. this is just ridiculous. the other nite while johan santana was continuing his AL central dominance, i'm forced to listen to keyshawn johnson interviews? sheff hits a 9th inning game tying homer, then a-rod hits a walk off and i'm required to look at that little wienie john clayton? instead of segments from peter gammons, i'm getting chris mortensen talking about who will be the vikings 5th db in their nickel package?

they even showed highlights of bill parcels getting knocked over by a runaway receiver. im surprised they didn't cut away from the yanks-a's game to bring you breaking news of john gruden farting. about the only thing worth seeing in all their nfl coverage was mike ditka in a purple fucking suit. i guess instead of seeking medical attention for his four hour erection, he went shopping...

anyway, i knew this time was coming. i simply wasn't prepared.