strong as a can

it's official: this is the worst peter gammon's column ever.

and since there's a quasi-important election coming up (you guys may have heard of this) i'll offer a few political musings:

-what would happen if a president didn't want to be re-elected? has this ever happened? has an incumbent ever told his party "this is the worst fucking job i could imagine, find some other asswipe to run"? these are the things that keep me up at nite. not whether or not a president has turned down nomination, but whether or not he used the word asswipe in doing so.

-the other day i heard some guy on the radio (clearly a credible source) say that if kerry loses, the dem's will be crushed; but that if bush loses, the rep's will be a little disappointed and move on. i don't think i agree, but an interesting comment nonetheless.

-my vote went to badnarik. now i know what it feels like to root for the golden state warriors. oh, wait. i already DO root for the warriors. fuck! (at least troy murphy rules like san deemas high school football)

-honestly, why are the candidates still campaigning? it's not like when bush/kerry makes a speech in anytown, usa they are convincing anyone anymore. the only people who go to those things are those who already have their mind made up. in fact i've never understood those little impromptu rallies. if you are voting for someone just because you saw them with your own two eyes and maybe got a bacteria-covered handshake, please abstain. please stay away from the polling centers as if they were guarded by R.O.U.S.'s (click here to determine which princess bride character you would be).

so, that had to be the most boring, anti-climactic way to end the 2004 season, eh? easily the worst world series to watch in the last 10 years. the sox never trailed in any game. they took the lead in the first inning (4 times, right?) and never looked back. and if they had looked back, all they would've seen was st. louis drinking the special kool-aid.

the cards had only 3 players (walker, renteria, pujols) with more than 2 hits in 4 games. this from a team who had 3 regulars with OPS's over 1.000. rolen went oh-fer in 2 of the 3 cardinal postseason series. edmonds, who managed a whopping 1 hit in the WS, was flailing at average major league fastballs. derek fucking lowe got pujols to look horrible in an at bat (and yes, i consider this a major feat). this series would of been sooooo much better with houston in it. at least they would've had some pitching to throw at the sox, who didn't sting the ball here either (except for trot - major shout out to trot for fucking my fantasy team by missing the whole year then mashing in the playoffs - gotta love those misleading boston injury reports, the ones that said nomar wouldn't miss opening day. but that's neither here nor there).

something i find weird about these postseason rumor mill: with more and more teams making decisions based on math/sabermetrics, why is it that i keep hearing "so and so just earned himself another 5 mil with that performance." i mean, does derek lowe really deserve a big contract for pitching 2 great games? now don't get me wrong, he was huge for the sox here. but does that mean we can forget that he was just putrid for the entire regular season? i won't even get started about the label "big-game pitcher", but last time i checked (which was 3 minutes ago) you have to win games in the regular season in order to make the playoffs...

i guess now i'll give some awards:
Most Exciting Moment of Game 4, nay, of the 2004 World Snoozefest:
the most riveting moment of the WS took place last nite, when molina #3 and manny were chirping at the plate prior to a manny at bat. what could that exchange possibly have been about? were they trading recipes? discussing how manny makes his hair stick at a 90 degree angle out of his helmet? and why did francona come out of the dugout? there's no way on earth either of those guys were speaking english, so what the fuck were francona or the ump going to do about the situation?

Most Awkward Interview Moment:
when fox's "i'll interview anything that moooooves" guy did a bit with leon from the budweiser commercial. that was purely awful. this ranks just below the time jim gray interviewed the indians mascot (who, remeber, can't talk) after said mascot blew his knee out falling off the right field wall.

Best Interview Moment:
the bit with larry walker's brothers. i can't remember their names, but he has 3 brothers (one of whom wasn't there and clearly should have tele-conferenced in) and their names all have the -arry sound. those guys fucking ruled. they should've played a 30 minute clip of them drinking and fishing instead of innings 4-6 of game 3.

Least Likely to be a Cardinal Next Year:
reggie sanders. he's just not allowed to play 2 consecutive seasons for any 1 team. it's in the by-laws somewhere, trust me.

Most Likely to Shun Postgame/Celebration Beers for a Cosmopolitan or Appletini:
gabe kapler. this guy sticks out on that team like a sore thumb. the rest of the sox look like they're on an every other monday shower routine, and kapler's clearly a 2 shower per day guy. and yes, this statement comes from someone who used to shower BEFORE games in college.

Most Likely to Not Be Noticed Even if He Wasn't at Last Nite's Game
i'm not sure that title is even written in english, but this goes to ramiro mendoza. seriously, that guy could've stayed in boston after game 2, or even left the country, and not 1 person would've known the difference.

Most Likely to Be Forgotten in Beantown Even Though He Should Be Made a Patron Saint
dave roberts. there's no way this guy is sticking around to be a 5th outfielder, and my guess is he'll be patroling center for some crappy NL team next year. but if he didn't swipe second in game 4 of the ALCS, sox fans would be sulking about another year of misery.

so the sox win, end the curse, king size bed, plasma screen, blah blah blah. there's clearly going to be a lot of action in the postseason, but as always i'm sad to see the season end. especially this year, as my interest in the nba is continuing to fade faster than tone loc's career did and i just haven't been able to get into the nfl this season. at least i've got the latest three issues of baseball america to sift through, and hopefully those can get me to thanksgiving. then it's a solid month of eating, some bowl games, as much snowboarding as ohio will permit, a little college hoops, and finally the three words i know we're all counting down to: pitchers and catchers.

and this really all begs the bigger question: what the shit am i going to write about for the next 4 months?

let's play What's Weirder:

1. (a) that a judge threw a sentencing party in the courtroom or (b) that the criminal used the alias "bubba lee williams" (way to not raise eyebrows dipshit);

2. (a) that mike golic was on saved by the bell: the college years, or (b) that jesse spano made a movie in which she gives an underwater blowjob (remember, we're not voting on what's hotter, but what's weirder);

3. (a) having the SAME conversation (about the weather) with the SAME person EVERY SINGLE DAY while waiting for the microwave, or (b) proclaiming "my favorite dinosaur is a monkey" while doing walking lunges in a circle to avoid said conversation.

i'd go with b, a, and a. but im weirder than one screech powers (or does he go by marilyn manson now?).

i know it's important for athletes (and everyone really) to not dwell on mistakes and move on. but chad johson and champ bailey have really taken this to a new level.

last week, chad johnson dropped like 59 or 60 passes against a team whose secondary received bottles of pepto bismol in the mail from johson earlier that week. last nite he made some great plays and scored his first TD since week 1.

champ bailey is generally considered the best coverman in the nfl. last nite he was absolutely torched by johnson. bailey (i can't refer to him as champ since there's only room for one "champ" in my heart) was getting turned around, falling over, it was ugly.

cue the interviews on sportscenter this morning. johnson says "i don't really want to say the wrong thing here, but i feel like i just can't be stopped." bailey says "i don't give a fuck what happened tonite. someone's gonna get worked next week."

so, my fine reader(s), i implore you to use either of those lines at work in the near future. then please record the uncomfortable responses of your co-workers and post them on the internet. thanks in advance.

it occurred to me in a meeting this morning that for the first time in weeks i have some work to do at work (please allow myself to introduce...myself). some people would jump on that shit and get going and take it at a leisurely pace, but i'm not some people.

i prefer to not mess with my routine. so instead i'll wait until roughly 4:30, then work like a dog and try to finish it all by 5pm. this is a great strategy, as it makes this last/potentially slowest last half hour at the office fly by. besides, i work better with a strict deadline, and this makes it a personal challenge - can i finish the work that was supposed to take me all day today and 1/2 of tomorrow in 30 minutes or less? sure the day gets a little slow after lunch and i start to get dizzy from my 493rd game of minesweeper (which, by the way, with all the mouse clicks and fast movements makes it look like you are making one kick ass power point presentation). but it's all worth it when the office is clearing out and im working like a tazmanian devil.

and since i still have 21 minutes til i put my (large) nose to the grindstone, i would like to take this opportunity to tell you about my favorite comedy of all time (i'm at least 91% sure that this is true and it's not just the honeymoon period of just having seen it):

i heart huckabees. unbelievable. go see it. rite now. ditch work and catch the 4:45 show. and then stay at the theater for multiple showings. don't ever leave. (shaking chunky kid's gobbler) stay as long as you can.

i don't think i could have hyped this movie to myself (or you 4) any more than i did. i watched the preview 3 times a day (on average) for the last 2 months. i wrote about it on this site multiple times since hearing about it. with all this self-hype, i was, in the back of my mind, worried about a let down like i experienced watching ron burgundy. but there was to be no disappointment. in fact, it eclipsed my expectations.

seriously, marky mark is my favorite actor of all time, surpassing bill murray with his performance here. for those who forgot/don't know/are a stalker, i chronicled my crush on marky mark back on august 10th (a link would be helpful here, but all i can offer is the archive list to the left and some scrolling). as a huge (athletic) supporter of the mantra "random is as random does," i can't say enough about this movie. every actor in it does an exceptional job portraying their fantastic character. so go pound a few beers and buy your ticket (not that you'll need the beers to enjoy the movie, that's just my personal pre-movie ritual).

but since i've already heard people i know say they didn't like this movie, i will give you a warning: if you didn't like rushmore/royal tennenbaums/flirting with disaster (same director as this last one) DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE, and YOU PROBABLY LIKE ZIMA MORE THAN BEER. and just for the record, i liked it more than all three of those movies. just don't use any petroleum to get to the theater.

shit. now i only have 29 minutes to do my job.

so as of saturday nite, i was still unsure who i was going to root for in the series. im pretty much always an AL guy, but clearly with the curse being potentially broken and all, i wasn't decided. i mean, does the yanks-sox rivalry get tainted with a sox world series win? that's all im concerned with here, because the rivalry has been at an apex in the past few years (slowly growing since the offerman days of the late 90's) and i don't want that to vanish. i don't know if the sox fans have it in em to maintain this level of desire. might they be so satisfied that it diminishes their fanaticism? this is what concerns me.

but now it's clear - i'm pulling for the cards. it's a no brainer now at 2-0, but i was rooting for them from the first pitch last nite. partly because of the underdog thing, partly because i'm a huge larry walker fan (huge success despite rarely knowing who he's facing any given night, takes just 3 warm up swings in the on deck circle, quirky canadian, i mean cmon), partly because i like how they have such unassuming guys like rolen/edmonds/pujols who simply produce without the ever-increasing need athletes have for attention/attitude, and partly because of having morris/williams on my fantasy teams for multiple years (you'd be surprised how much attachment this causes).

and i gotta say, having home field advantage is way more important for the AL. the sox get (potentially) 4 games of facing so taguchi/marlon anderson as the cards extra hitter, while they get david fucking ortiz (who continues to aggravate me by arguing EVERY fucking play, as i mentioned last week). a matchup as balanced as our nation's budget. this was killing me in game 1 & 2. all you can hope for in taguchi is a foul ball straight back, and anderson tries to bunt EVERY SINGLE TIME early in the count. this is not exactly what you look for in a DH, and i know the discrepancy is often discussed in the world series. but this has to be one of the most startling differences in DH of recent years.

a sad fact: matt morris past his prime at age 30. he has no ability whatsoever to finish a hitter off. or finish at inning off. all those runs on 2 outs, and so many 2 strike counts wear he cannot get a k. it's just terrible. no one has to be scared of his 12-6 deuce any more cuz his other stuff is mediocre at best. and he gives up more long balls than our favorite veg-head did early in his season for the tribe. but it's real great, we got uniforms and everything.

so is anyone else waiting for schilling's ankle to just become completely unhinged? that thing is seriously unhealthy. to play through an injury like that usually happens once, and then the season's over. but he will most likely have done it 3 times before the season's close. he's out there throwing a gem and then in between holding his head in his hands a la boggs after the series in '86. it just looks like he's in agony.

nina asked me last nite why schilling wears stir-ups. i have to say this is a good question. i suppose most guys 35 and over still look at them as "the right way to wear a uniform" but really that's just dumb. you can wear red socks and not have to deal with that stupid loop shifting in your spikes or figuring out which part of your calf gets the short side of the stir-up. i know im biased, as i've been a wear-colored-socks-and-pull-them-up-to-the-knee-a-la-delino-deshields since '96 when i used to steal soccer socks from behind the athletic desk at dupont, but honestly i have to put stir-ups up there with the socks that have the thin stripe painted on. retarded. and don't tell me tradition is a reason to stay with these things. guys used to leave their mitts on the field so both teams could share. just because it was once done that way doesn't mean we HAVE to keep doing it.

now can we start talking about how much "better" the sox defense is? mueller and tek need to spends roughly a week and a half next spring on calling popups, and bellhorn has just awful footwork on balls in the hole (but he's got a mullet, so, um, yeah). and how on earth are the grounds crew still not picking up pieces of manny's knee after that dive in game 1 (that had torn ACL written all over it)?

and can the cards please realize that you can only throw 1 outside fastball per at bat to johnny damon? jeez, the guy doesn't just break bats - he absolutely destroys them on up and in fast balls. nor has he been sitting well on breaking balls, so can we PLEASE stop peppering the outside corner with him? also, how long is it until some church group starts requesting that he can no longer be referred to as jesus and that you can't carry any pictures of the last supper with damon's head on jesus into fenway? i still say WWJDD is the best t-shirt ever (kudos to roy for that one).

mccarver continues to drive me insane. and where the fuck is al leiter? best announcer of the last 10 years, and he gets the axe. just bullshit. good thing they cut leiter but kept the guy who gives interviews every 4 pitches. "i'm here with jimmy fallon..." "i'm here with this 847 year old woman..." "i'm here with lou from peabody..." "i'm here with 3 year old susie..." enough already. but don't cut off the old lady next time, cuz she knew more about baseball than mccarver.

so it's headed to st. louis, where the fans will undoubtly live up to their hype. i hoping for 3 straight by the cards so it goes back to fenway. it seems possibly since most sox hitters suck on the road, and the cards hitters rule at home.

you just can't outsource hooters to china. it doesn't work man. and i'm not explaining why.

i really can't stop with the baseball posts. not with 1 week left to get it all in.

if, back at the outset of the season, you bet that in game 7 of the LCS's, derek lowe would dominate kevin brown and jeff suppan would outpitch roger clemens you'd be rich enough to buy a small country in indochina. you'd probably have to rule by martial law, but ya know, whatever works.

im pretty shocked about clemens' approach in that 6th inning. first two times thru the lineup, attacking with fastballs is fine. it was working well. fine. but third time thru?? you can't keep fooling fastball hitters like pujols, rolen, and edmonds with gas. after the rolen yacker, the rocket FINALLY went with the split and edmonds struck out in a horrible at bat. was it that tough to realize it was time to change his approach? what the fuck was dave duncan thinking?? as soon as albert jumped on that high fastball, he shoulda went out and said this exact thing. i was shocked, even yelling at him a little (a sure sign that i wasn't overly crushed by wednesdays events).

two other things that killed me about that game. the always pesky tony womack. how is it that a guy with like a career OPS of, oh, like .004 can always have such an impact in the postseason?? i had flashbacks of his double off rivera in game 7 in '01. the other thing was roger cedeno getting a hit off clemens. i picked up cedeno in my NL-only league at some point this year and he proceeded to go like 1-70 with no steals. where was that hit 2 months ago?? i have absolutely no idea where i'm going with this.

** (stealing these asterisks from lunch meat)

i'd also like an explanation as to how in hell edmonds hit that walk off the other nite. shoulder high fastball?? are you kidding me? you can gas anyone (even the amazing tony clark!!) with a low-90's fastball at the shoulders. and he hit it like 900 feet. i was in awe of that swing for sure.

**

i saw an interview with francona this morning and he called derek lowe "d-lo". this is just something i don't like - managers calling their players by nicknames. you just don't see torre referring to his guys as "flash", "a-rod", or "fucking scary pyscho" (definitely sheff's clubhouse moniker). i don't mean for this to be a francona v. torre thing (torre's just a good example) - i just don't think managers should be buddy-buddy with their players. purely a personal preference. AND the fact that from now on i'm going to find every little thing francona does annoying. i can tell you rite now that when i watch the series i will be saying things like "man, look at francona! he even spits seeds like a moron!" you know this feeling. i'm sure each/both of you work with someone who drives you nuts like this.

another note about francona - i finally found someone who defends his move to bring in pedro: none other than cj "my dog's name is herbie" albrec. the argument was basically 8 minutes of this:
cj: dude, it wasn't a bad move. you want your best pitcher out there.
me: no. you don't. you want him for game 1.
cj: no. i like that move.
me: (pause, growl a little) i hope herbie pees on you in your sleep. and the braves suck.

chipper also told me Team America was unreal, but after that back and forth im questioning all his opinions. i suppose the fact that he's dressing as kevin federline for halloween is slightly redeeming.

**

and not that he's reading this, but i also hafta give a shout out to chucky t, a true sox fan in every sense: a lifelong mass. resident, not only does he move 2 months before the most exciting time to live there EVER, but he moves to tampa and promptly gets whacked by 14 hurricanes. ouch.

at least last nite was the first time since september that i (a) got 8 hours of sleep on a weeknite, and (b) didn't wake up from the time i got into bed until the alarm went off (a good cry always helps you sleep better).

i'm not going to give my usual in-depth analysis of game 7 (the lemmer has done a fine job and some of my direct sentiments made it in there anyway). i probably need a day or two before i read the sports guy, or anything related to this series. this is all i've got in the wake of...of...of whatever of the fuck it is that happened since sunday:

Those I Am Happy For
-red sox players like trot nixon and kevin millar, guys you would love to have on your team.
-certain red sox fans like my boy roy-o, who never cried, whined, etc about "bad luck" or "the curse" or anything illogical like that. roy has taken his lumps like a man. congrats pal.
-baseball fans in general, who are getting to see THE most unbelievable postseason of my lifetime. sadly, probably less than 1% of the country realizes how sick the NLCS is.

Those I Am Sad For
-torre and the yankee players (especially the lifers like jeter, bernie, mo, and posada), who have a loooong fuckin georgie-laden winter ahead. and if you think losing 2 world series and 2 ALCS's in the past 4 years is tough on fans, imagine how it is on the players. i'd imagine that as we speak, bernie is somewhere wailing depressing blues riffs on his guitar.

Those I Am Not Happy For
-terry francona. no manager has ever deserved to be in the world series less. this is not an exaggeration.
-those sox fans who are going to talk mad shit without realizing that (a) the sox actually haven't achieved their ultimate goal yet, and (b) the sox team is most likely going to be (at least partly) dismantled this winter (lots of free agents, and did you hear how lowe was ripping management before game 7?)

Those I Am Not Sad For
-yankee fans. face it: the yanks got outplayed. tip your cap and move on. i'm begging yanks fans everywhere - please follow the lead of torre and the players. please do not act like sore losers. and it's hard to ever really get that down when we all know the yanks will back in the thick of things next october.
-me. this is one of those times when i remind myself that despite my life-long diehard allegiance to the yanks, the game of baseball means more to me than the yanks. so you won't hear me complaining about the mlb 2004 season. at least i get 1 more week of baseball before the months of half-heartedly following the nfl/nba. and independent of how it got to game 7, this one loss was not as bad for me as the gonzo bleeder over jeter's head (probably because it was a blowout - always easier to handle). plus, it's 5 weeks til snowboarding season (reminder to all boarders - get your shit tuned now before the shops are too busy).

What's Next
-for jim leyritz, seen in the crowd dressed like a fly girl. maybe he's trying to mix his bat twirling ability in with some street dancers. easily the strangest sighting of the series.
-normally i'd say the series will be a let down for the sox, just like it was for the yanks last year after winning the ALCS in 7. but both the sox and whoever wins tonite's game are going to be running on fumes. i'm not sure who i will be rooting for in the series, but i really hope it goes 7 games.
-if the sox lose the series, is the curse still in effect? do they have any actual bragging rights? if the sox win the series, is the rivalry tainted or renewed? will bill simmons be out of a job, or at least reduced to writing columns solely on basketball?
-there's actually not too many question marks for yankee roster spots next year. lofton/clark/wilson are gone. giambi has 5 months to get rid of his tape worm, and i hope they keep olerud as a bench guy. i'm really hoping they keep cairo and work andy phillips in at second, who rakes. per usual, bernie turned it up during the postseason and i hope this can carry him into a good start next year. i realize this is completely sentimental, but im not ready to see bernie become a 4th outfielder. the staff is obviously aging, but brown, moose, and lieber are still under contract. vazquez and loaiza fill out the rotation. all but lieber underperformed horribly this season, so i think the yanks have a shot at 110 wins next year.

One Final Note
-most underappreciated player in this series: orlando cabrera. great defense, constantly having long ab's, and getting on base in situations when the yanks really needed an out to squash a rally. roy once called him a muskrat (which is funny in itself), and he really was a thorn in the yanks side.

why do people always want to physically touch presidents/candidates? seriously, if i was 5 feet from a famous politician, that last thing i would want to do is touch their sweaty palms. talk to them? maybe. grope in awe the hair on the back of their hands? no thanks.

but goll-y. every friggin picture on cnn today is of GrimaceWearer or the zombie at one of their propaganda rallies, wearing a forced smile, reaching out to 100's of loyal followers. who are all pathetically fighting over the chance to caress their figurehead's pinky. gross. they're like the kid in middle school who gets a peck on the cheek and refuses to wash his face for days. and yes, you could replace "kid in middle school" with "ethan in college", but i have an excuse (greater than average sized nostrils). what's YOUR excuse mr. and mrs. grabby hands?

and for whatever reason, i get the feeling john kerry is a man with some serious bad breath. i mean, the air is probably swirling around that long mouth of his for hours before it gets out. i see bush as more of a heavy sweater, the kind that needs to change shirts 3 times a day. cmon. who's with me on this one?

wearing headphones at your desk. a big risk. at least once a week someone comes and since i can't hear them they catch me picking my nose. bad news.

on another office front, is there anything worse than a company skimping on toilet paper? honestly. a bleeding ass does nothing for my effiency. i'd take like $1000 pay cut if we could replace the sand paper squares with some aloe-covered teddy bear fluffy stuff.

we could also use an upgrade in the coffee department. no more maxwell house. please. how am i supposed to be a good blogger, i mean worker, WORKER!! if i can't get a good rush from my joe.

well, now i've got a meeting with the bobs. they're pleased with the 2 1/3 minutes of work i've done this week. so i'm gonna hafta ask you to come back later. ummm, yeah.

fuck. fuck. fuckfuckfuckfuck.

last nite was depressing. not leaving las vegas depressing, more like finding out your sister isn't a virgin depressing. so im sitting here listening to some bon jovi trying to get prepared for tonite.

the yanks just couldn't make solid contact consistently last nite. i have no idea how that ball posada hit in the second inning didn't make it out. but seeing as he hasn't jacked once since hoover was in office i guess i shouldn't be surprised. like three times in this series jorge has looked to bunt for a hit (which is not a good sign when you can time him in the 40 with an hour glass), and then last nite varitek successfully did bunt for a hit (that was a great bunt and great time for it). tek is winning the matchups of the backstops in this one. another varitek note - the boston staff needs to buy him a rolex, a case of beer, and a few blowjobs for all the pitches he has blocked in this series. he is constantly sliding left or right to keep balls in front - i swear he's doing this at least once an at bat. he's just been great back there (aside from the knucks, but that's mirabelli's thing).

a note about the difference between fenway and the stadium. at fenway, the fans are reactionary - they are dead when the sox are behind and only make noise once something gets going. at the stadium, the fans don't just react - they create. in the top of the 3rd and no runners on, the fans started the "let's go yankees! let's go yankees!" chant trying to get the team going. a big difference i think, and mirrors the teams/fans - yanks expect to win, sox hope to win.

lieber threw pretty well. he made papi invisible (doesn't papi just look completely spent?) and shut down manny. but that 4 run inning was like a shiv in the gut prison-style. when the sox put one on the board and then got two on, i was shaking like mazzone. he got 1-2 on bellhorn and i'm screaming "don't try to paint the corner away. please just throw a low and in slider." and the pitch wasn't that bad, bellhorn just did a good job taking it the other way. im glad the umps made the right call on it and im guessing the only confusion was that the woman made absolutely no attempt to catch it (seriously, right in the fuckin baby maker), and so at first glance it could've looked like it hit off the top of the wall. i had memories of the todd zeile-timo perez connection back in 2000 and was screaming at matsui to get it in.

schilling was barely touching 90 (except to tony "i can't smell fastballs over 74 mph" clark), but i knew four runs would be tough to get. the yanks needed to scratch and get one back quickly, but failed after getting first/second no outs in the 5th leading (causing me to kick a launry basket clear across the bedroom, scaring the shite out of our sleeping cats). it was when matsui and his earlobes popped up there that i started slumping my shoulders roughly every 2 minutes, or whenever schilling threw a split, whichever came first. hit a ball hard one time, gang!

weird thing about schilling's ankle. as far as i know, when you sprain an ankle/ligaments YOU DON'T FUCKING BLEED (though i suppose we could check with House or WebMD!!! yay advertising!!). so i don't know what they did to fix that ankle, but i have to believe it involved some serious injections with a horse needle.

i guess now i have to get into the arod thing. i know you don't have to just give yourself up and run into the tag - but let's try a little subtlety shall we? a forearm to the glove? sure. even plowing into skinny arroyo? i could see that. but slapping his wrist in the same manner as damon's throws (it looked very womanly, no?)? that's garbage. it was un-classy (something i think the yankees generally pride themselves on), and it actually killed the rally. jeter would've been on second, able to score on a sheffield single. but 20 minutes of arguing and bringing out the swat teams killed the momentum. after that, nina said something about how she doesn't think she'd like a-rod as a person and i hate to say it but i think i agree. that was just bullshit. dude, you squibbed one, you're out, don't blatantly slap someone. accept that you took that hotdamn 1-1 slider that i wanted you to mash in the gap, and instead got behind in the count and crapped out. very disappointing moment.

i didn't think the sox would score any more (i think their offense is running on fumes, while i keep telling myself the yanks are just shocked at this comeback), and had a good feeling about the 9th. i mean foulke has thrown roughly 42 innings in the last 3 days, and that usually means his changeups will be up. great ab by sierra, but then the olerud injury came back to haunt the yanks again (can't gene moynihan give him some of what schilling got??). i was sighing right and left during tony's ab and thinking it's not good to have a guy hitting who has hair like walt clyde frazier (tony - maybe you should go back to swishin' and dishin', fucker, cuz you can't hit average major league fastballs). all i could hope for was a walk, and i was fine to have cairo hit there. he has been having some great swings in this series and he clearly has a little luis sojo in him.

but instead my tv was shut off before the ball hit varitek's glove, and it's going to game 7. the sox have the momentum, but i still like the yanks chances. brown versus committee. and here's what else we have going for us: i haven't had a beer during a game since game 2. going to bed at 1-2am and then working out at 6:15am finally caught up with me last thursday and i got the flu/cold over the weekend. i got sick and so did the yanks offense. but i'm now recovered and ready to knock back a few during game 7 (and to put out, so nina's got that going for her). me drinking on the couch - clearly what will put the yanks over the edge. last nite, even from the get-go, i was sort of feeling like "oh shit, oh shit, oh shit" all the time. but not today. im just pumped up (what can i say - bad medicine has that effect) and looking for some early runs to rain on the sox emotions.

i plan on giving the jeter fist-pump nonstop from 12:20-12:38am tonite as mariano shuts the door.

in my rant i forgot to mention how awful mccarver is. this has been talked to death, so i won't say much. just that it kills me how many pitches he incorrectly calls (or else changeups are moving suspiciously like sliders). and how he brought up a conversation he had with trenidad hubbard that had nothing to do with anything. this was clearly worthwhile, though, when later he was saying how only 1 hitter in the majors hit .300 with 2 strikes. and leiter goes, "who, trenidad hubbard?" leiter rules.

here's an interesing article by reason.com about the ridiculousness of uninformed voters.

and while i have the election on my mind, can someone remind me why we have an electoral college? wasn't it started so the government could overrule uninformed voters?

also, for the second election in a row, nina and i get to be part of the debacle that is florida balloting. this time we have absentee ballots. and they say that you can make your selections in pencil (gee, that's not shady). i predict that this year's election winner won't be officially announced until december.

so i never expected the yanks to sweep, even when they were up 2-0 and the whole world was proclaiming the sox were done. after the first extra inning game, i wasn't that shocked. it's hard to take 4 in a row from a team like the sox.

but now im just fucking pissed. enough already. the mullet-afro-jehri curl-scruffy fuckers have had their fun. now end it. i hope this is exactly what torre says pregame tonite.

honestly, it's hard to despise a team when they've been manhandled 3 straight games. it's not once they take 2 straight 5+ hour extra inning games. i also lost a lot ot respect for boston fans in those games. the atmostphere at fenway seemed odd, a little bit sad if you ask me. i haven't seen so many fans praying since the last time i was in church (which, my friends, was not recently). and how many of those effers were falling asleep in back-to-back ultimately exciting elimination games? are you kidding me? at least i've caught my last glimpses of uber-weirdo stephen king for the year. that guy always looks like he's talking to himself. he gives me the willies.

anyway, i've said before that if you blast a manager for making a move that backfires, you have to blast him if he does the same thing again (even if it works the second time). and last nite terry francona pulled a grady little and then some. it is absolute bullshit that the boston press is not all over him. let's go over his major blunders last nite:

(1) leaving pedro in after the jeter double. he's at the 100 pitch count and proceeds to hit a-rod and walk sheff. pedro even looked into the dugout as matsui stepped up to the plate as if saying "hey asshole, im done here." also, matsui had hit 3 line drives off pedro at this point. the whole world was screaming to pull pedro, yet francona just whispered to his pitching coach like homer simpson in the witness protection episode ("i think he's talking to you"). anyway, as godzilla steps to the plate i am ecstatic. i have visions of a line drive down the right field line from last year. and he proceeds to hit a laser that trot dives for and grabs. if that ball is hit one foot shorter or 3 feet to the left, the game is broken open and francona is fired within 68 minutes.

(2) taking out trot nixon for gabe kapler. again, im so pumped here. take out the yankee killer for your 5th outfielder. oh yeah, and kapler, with all 5 steals this year, is NOT FASTER OR BETTER IN ANY WAY THAN NIXON.

(3) stealing damon with no outs and your 2-3-4 hitters coming up. hey, you design your team based on sabermetrics. just because dave roberts can steal at will doesn't mean you are a team based on speed. great throw by posada.

(4) stealing ortiz. close call at second as posada swallowed his tongue seeing fat papi take off, but cmon. how does this happen? and is anyone else getting sick of ortiz argue every fucking call that doesn't go his way (and yes i think the same about a-rod)?

(5) this one is arguable, but i think pulling arroyo after looking unreal against jeter, a-rod, and sheff was d-u-m-b. it was the fifth time i was so so happy that the sox have francona running their show. death wish 5 was looking electric and with your pen sapped, don't you have to ride out a few more batters? if you don't bring in myers to pitch to matsui in the pedro inning, why do you now? oh yeah, to face 1 fucking hitter. have i mentioned that the announcer just said lescanic's shoulder is holding on by a thread? keep throwing guys for 1/3 of an inning in a 6 hour game you idiot. and then bring in ANOTHER lefty to face two righties.

(6) this one is arguable too, but intentionally walking posada (after the count went 2-1) to face ruben on rye. wasn't this the same thing francona got blasted for yesterday?? sierra had only 3 hits and 2 bb's at this point, while posada hasn't hit an extra base hit since 2002. and it's always good to put more runners on when your catcher has a 50-50 chance of completely missing any given pitch from wakefield.

and yes, im bitter. after all that shit, and the sox failing to execute multiple times without the yanks taking advantage, a-rod failing to hit a sac fly in the 8th, and the game lasting 6 hotdamn hours only to end with a loss, yes im bitter. and i don't wanna read any bullshit from the sports guy crying that the sox never get the breaks, the hops, wah wah wah, "it would only happen to us, never them" after tony the tiger's ball down the line in top 9 and ortiz's jam shot to win it (by the way, is it even possible for this guy to get out besides a k? what a great ab to end it).

so to the men in pinstripes i say: two teams enter, one team leaves. grab your whistle, quit dicking around, and end it.

two dumb things:

(1) broadcasts that show postseason pitching matchups comparing each pitcher's career numbers vs. their opponent. this may be fine for guys like brandon got backe (with 1 year of experience), but for veterans it's just hogwash. how some 35 year old pitcher has done in his 10 year career against team x does not in any way help predict how he will do against team x now. maybe he got rocked by them back in 1997, but now their lineup is completely different. just show us how he did against them this year, and while the sample will be small, we can at least see how he's fared against the lineup he will face in the pending game.

(2) jermaine dye saying he wants to stay in oakland but that he will not take a major pay cut to do so. ok buddy. you made nearly $12 mill this year, and for 02, 03, and 04 your OPS's were .792, .514, .793. not only that but you've also missed roughly a 1/3 of the a's games in that span. you shouldn't be getting more than $1.5 mill/year, maybe with some incentives for games played, etc. basically you deserve roughly 10% of what you have been paid. good luck with your free agency. asshole.

seriously. why are the third party candidates not involved in the debates? i cannot find a straight answer anywhere or from anyone. every person i talk to about it seems to agree that if you are on enough ballots to win the election, then you should be in the debates. how can this complete lack of democratic process be going on? there are 8 candidates on my florida absentee ballot, yet only 2 participate in the official b.s. sessions. what are the rep's and dem's so scared of? why/how is this accepted? what can be done to change it?

i had no idea wayne brady plays for the dolphins...

also, during the game last nite, did anyone else notice that uncle leo is in that prestone commercial?

a few notes on last nite's win:

-the yanks are doing exactly what you have to do in order to beat mark bellhorn: throw strikes. sure, he has some pop. but he is the king of k's and a sub-.250 hitter. taking away his ability to walk turns him into alex gonzalez (either one).

-every time sheff digs in, im expecting an absolute laser. manny and papi still worry me, but i have to believe sox fans are more terrified of sheff/matsui than yanks fans are of the sox sluggers.

-a 16 pitch at-bat that the pitcher won? wow. that's rare. damon hit it well, so i maybe you can't say lieber won the battle. but you gotta love how he came back on bellhorn with no problem. also, i thoroughly enjoyed when damon hit that pitch from rivera literaly 2 inches above his hands. the grounds crew is going to still be finding shards of that next spring.

-leiter continues to do a great job in the booth.

-varitek has had some huge hits in this series, but does anyone else think the ball sounds like shit off his bat? i know i'm not there to hear it live so it may be the audio reception, but i consistently get the impression he's getting jammed when i see him hit on tv. off the bat, i thought the double he hit last nite was going to be a bloop over second.

-jeter's only had one hit, but has reached base at a .400 clip so far in the series. as always, he is chasing a lot fewer low and away sliders in the postseason. look for him to homer off arroyo and get 5 hits over games 3-4.

ahren wrote something on the awesomeness of yankee fans today, and i have to back this sentiment up (it deserves more than just a comment). i've never been to st. louis, and also have heard they have great fans/atmosphere. but i've been to many games at yankee stadium and many games at fenway. and i love fenway. it is fantastic. but yankee stadium/fans are just way better (clearly there's no bias here), and here's a couple of reasons why:

-the bleacher creatures (creatures: "box seats suck! box seats suck!"; box seats fans: "get a job! get a job!" im not making this up)
-the chanting of the players names til they tip a cap as they warm up for the top of the first
-bob shepard: "now battting...numbah 2...derek...jetah...numbah 2"
-eddie layton on the organ (although he may be retired, i haven't been in a while)
-standing with 2 strikes on a hitter started here during the guidry era
-the great subway race (the original)
-those chime-like-things when there's a clutch hit
-sinatra after ballgames with everyone singing on the walk out

it just fucking rules. im getting pumped up just thinking about it. remember that unbelievable ovation pauly got at his last home game? think that would happen anywhere else? not a chance in hell.

i'll leave you with this tidbit i learned when my brother took me to a doubleheader against the royals back in 1990. we sat in the bleachers (where a toothless female fan kept yelling at bernie "get out of center bernie - that's roberto's [kelly] job!!") and picked up this chant (before danny was a yankee obviously):

"dannnny tartabull!
dannnny tartabull!
dannnny tartabull is a horse's ass!

heeeee's a penis!
he sucks the meanest penis!
dannnny tartabull is a horse's ass!

and he squeals like a pig! woooooo!!!"

now that should be on a t-shirt (if it's ok with the sox fans).

ladies and gents, i give you britney spears (via cnn):

"I'd love to have a baby already. But I've got to take care of some things first ... I want to become a mother. I'm crazy about children ... next year, when I'm 23 I'll be ready."

a couple of notes on the yank's draining win in game 1:

-when the yanks are hitting, every ball to left field is an adventure. this cannot make sox fans happy. manny will make a leaping catch and do that ridiculous double point thing (honestly, i've haven't seen someone so proud of themselves for catching a flyball since little league), but then misplay the next two.

-matsui should've caught that ball papi hit in the 8th.

-if i had to pick one thing i don't like on the yanks, it's the way lofton draws a walk. does he really have to flip his bat down like that? can't he just toss it to the bewildered 12 year old bat boy? i also don't like how he starts fast out of the box on his homers and then forces himself to stop running and watch it. but as long as he keeps hitting em, i don't care if turns and tells varitek that georgia tech is NOT the mit of the south (in fact, i would prefer this).

-i like al leiter in the booth. very understated, not overly talkative. also, he put mccarver in his place once or twice last nite and had some random springstein references.

-very rarely do i learn something from the announcers. but i'd never heard of that "look at the first base coach if you missed the sign and he'll wink with one eye for a steal and with both eyes for a hit-and-run". maybe that's because it was IMPOSSIBLE to miss our signs in college, but still. an interesting tidbit.

-i hate the check swing calls. it drives me nuts that a guy can have a pitch come up and in, he can spin around in self defense never even really moving his hands, and it will sometimes be called a strike on the swing. it happened to raffy earlier this year, and it almost happened to manny last nite. i mean, sure, i want manny to go 1-15 this week (he already has one hit) but getting a strike that way is horse shit.

-oh yeah, and i hate tanyon sturtze. and his poor man's "derek lowe face" (a la sport's guy).

-i'd say there are pretty good odds schilling needs surgery on that ankle. he was throwing consistently under 90 and missing up in the zone big time. i respect that he isn't making excuses though (giambi, take note).

-the moose was reeeeeediculous. it was impossible to pick up the knuckle-curve out of his hand. plus, nina said he's pretty.

-bern baby bern.

i will not vote democrat. i will not vote republican. but i have to say, democrats are smarter.

in the past i have written posts about mel gibson ("passion") and michael moore (being fat, his movies). i pointed out that while i don't agree with them, they did their thing, acheived their goals (made people share their views) and for that i must tip my hat.

well, the democrats are doing this as well (again). last nite i saw a commercial with jennifer lopez urging young people, women, and hispanics to vote. we see the same thing with puff daddy and lots of other celebrities. and it comes off like a nice thing - that they're encouraging people to exercise their rights, voice their opinions, etc. but let's face it. these commercials are nothing but a campaign for john kerry.

on average, who are these young people, women, minorities going to vote for? no information is provided with these celebrities encouragements - just the message: "vote." whether you are informed or not, go vote. whether you know anything about the issues, go vote. and vote for who the celebrities will - john kerry.

do i think this is horrible? yup. shady? of course. but they have the ability to make ignorant people agree with them. thus, they will achieve their goal. meanwhile the republicans sit idly by (maybe they think it is all part of god's plan?!).

this also brings up a rather strange issue. why do celebrities/entertainers align themselves with the democrats? what do they have to gain by:

-increasing the size of the government (which always leads to increasing censorship, something we all know entertainers are against)
-increasing taxes ((a) thus taking money away from consumers who buy their products, and (b) taking HUGE amounts of money from the rich i.e. the entertainers themselves - if these people want to help those less fortunate, they can just donate)
-indirectly pushing socialism into our country (even though the entertainers made it big through capitalism)?

it's their decision, so i am forced to accept it. but i don't understand the reasoning. i would love to hear puff daddy or j-lo defend their decision to align with kerry...

i know round one isn't over, but let's still vote for the worst managerial decision of the division series:

(a) yanks-twins: gardenhire leaving nathan in to pitch a 3rd inning
(b) sox-angels: scioscia brining in washburn to face papi
(c) braves-stros: throwing a 3-2 fastball to jd drew with marcus "1 for the series" giles on deck
(d) cards-dodgers: there were no decisions. and if there were, no one was watching. honestly, la russa could've let jose oquendo manage this series.

i vote for (c). for those of you who missed it, it was top 9 (tie game) with a runner on 2nd and 2 outs. they wisely threw a 3-1 back door breaking ball on the black, and the next pitch should've been the same thing. but instead, jd drew gets a belt high cock shot four seamer and he ropes it into right center. just a horrible pitch, and a far worse pitch call. drew crushes fastballs. drew crushes everything. there was absolutely no harm in walking him here. none. the braves still need a hit to score, and you're even gaining a force all around. garner got so outmanaged here it was embarrassing. also, kent's game ending dp has to be the most anticlimactic moment in houston sports history.

on a different note, here's something that i had a feeling (and was hoping) would come back to haunt the twins:

in games 1 and 2, torii hunter stole second with such "incredible" jumps (meaning he took off WAY before the pitcher's first move, and while he made it both times, your odds are probably 20% over the long run. it was killing me that the announcers were raving about this as it is in fact AWFUL baserunning).

then in game 2 (as the announcers creamed their pants again over his "great baserunning"), hunter blindly took off for third from first on that flair hit by morneau off rivera. sheff dove and came up short, but had he caught it, hunter would've been easily doubled up and killed the rally. torii couldn't possibly have known how long that ball would/wouldn't hang up there, but in this case his "i play this game one way (hard!) we're the twins we're not scared so we'll run overly aggresive" attitude worked.

but then later in the series hunter tried to stretch a chopper over third (and off matsui's leg) into a triple and got thrown out by a good 10 feet. on the very next play, koskie got thrown out trying to stretch a single into a double. while i don't think koskie's was a horrible decision given bernie's complete lack of arm, the gamble didn't work out and the twins ran themselves out of a big inning.

the thing is, all of these examples pretty much contradict all the things hunter said before and during the series about the twins not being scared, they're good too, blah blah blah. if you are confindent in your team(mates), you won't constantly be running the bases out of control to "make things happen."

that said, i think hunter is a very good player, and im not quite sure why he hasn't made the leap. he has a great swing (maybe a bit long, and maybe he could take it down a notch with 2 strikes but that's nitpicking). he's unbelievably athletic, and his speed should help him get some infield hits (to boost the average). and we all know how he plays defense (i think most humans would've been in the hospital after crashing into the wall like that). but i still pretty much think he's a poor man's andruw jones.

today's predictions:

i see mike hampton struggling a little early, but going 6 giving up 4. i think the braves will score a couple off oswalt but the stros pull it out 6-4.

i think jeff weaver will be too high to realize the cards should pound the shit out of him, and he winds up handing the ball off to the bullpen with a lead. dodgers win 7-3.

also, the brewers will not score today, i will get SI in the mail, and our intramural soccer team will win 3-1.

i was not overly concerned after the yanks lost game 1. down 3-1 in the third inning, i felt no worry. you just can't hold down that offense forever. even when the twinkies tied it at 5 and had 2nd and 3rd with 1 out, i wasn't shaking. riviera broke bats on at least 50% of the hitters he faced. and as much as i like kubel, it didn't really seem like any outcome was possible other than a strikeout. chris-jon gooze-mon can't hit his way out of a paper bag, so my only uneasiness there was a splintered wood slow roller that he could leg out.

in the 10th with the yank's top of the order coming up, i was sure it was game-set-match. when they didn't score, i started to get a little uncomfortable for the first time all game. sturtze was mowing down hitters like a guy who can mow down hitters (which, as we all know, is not what tanyon sturtze is about). he got 2 quick outs and the stadium was being lulled into that extra inning rhythm. then tanyon returned to form, missed his target by at least a foot, and hunter's jack had me throwing pillows and beer bottles around my bed room.

after olerud's check swing was incorrectly called strike three (not that this hadn't happened to koskie earlier), i was getting deflated. i just kept saying "nathan's had it. he has to be spent. rite guys? [there was no one in the room] cmon. he can't actually still be throwing 96. get tired already you fuck!" at this point i was started to muffle myself with nina's swedish neck pillow. that thing tastes funny.

cairo's walk put me in a slightly better state, but when jeter got to 2-0, i was feeling it. the stadium was rocking, clearly nathan had tired (surely due to the finger i was flipping him before, during, and after every pitch), the momentum had clearly changed. the rest is history, twins fans can't be happy to see brown v. silva in game 3, and i could start hoping chone figgins would line one off pedro's pitching hand.

on a side, i would've trotted nathan out there for that 3rd inning just like gardenhire did. i mean, who would you want facing 9-1-2 (all righties)? southpaw jc romero, ichabod crain (who was warming up to my delight), or superjoe nathan? that's a no brainer; i simply hate all the 2nd guessing on this. nathan's their best non-venezuelan pitcher and he was throwing that devastating slider consistently at 91. this is nothing like grady-gate of '03.

so lebron james is a daddy, and the use of some abstract math (or subtraction) puts the date of conception sometime in early january. that means it took him an entire 6 weeks of his first nba season to impregnate someone. i have to believe this is way longer than average. lebron must either (a) be the first pro hoopster to wear condoms, or (b) have some really poor swimmers.

my favorite part of the article:

"The Cleveland Cavaliers star guard and his longtime girlfriend, a 19-year-old Akron woman, had a baby boy Wednesday."

gotta love when the term "longtime girlfriend" is being used to describe a relationship between two 19-year olds.

nina doesn't have class this quarter (it's dedicated to thesis work), and so on days when she doesn't have to go to the lab, she'll work from home. this afternoon she decided to take a break and cook chili for us to eat later (this is going to be a great quarter for my belly).

so she just called to tell me she burned her fingers, and naturally my first questions are "are you ok? is it bad? did you grab a pot off the stove or something?" the answers were no, no, and no, the last of which confused me. what else can you burn yourself with?

well my friends, chili peppers. those fuckers were so spicy that they burned my bride's friggin fingers. now, ninja is really into spicy food so she is probably okay with soaking her hands in a bucket of ice water in exchange for some uber-spicy chili. but for someone who utters things like "boy, this ketchup is spicy!" or "man this ranch dressing has some kick!", i think it means i will avoid this chili like the plague. or like tabasco sauce.

this morning i caught part of sheff's now-(in)famous interview discussing bonds and BALCO. and he brought up a really good point: what defines a drug/supplement as a steroid? people throw the word steroid around so much that it starts looking like any strength building supplement is a "steroid". sheff admits to rubbing "steroid" creme on his knee post-surgery and that he even left it in his locker because he didn't think it was illegal (which, if true, seems like pretty good evidence that he wasn't trying to get some insane edge over his fellow ballplayers).

well, glopping some ointment on your knee hardly seems like a punishable offense (unless, of course, he was hoping to bulk up those all-important knee muscles - i mean, check out the knees on that guy!). if it is, then so is treating pink eye - yes, those eye drops are "steroids". so that medicine you took at age 12 after swimming in your neighbor's dirty pool? yeah, now you have an excuse for that small penis (not that i've used that one. orrrr that i've ever had to make excuses at all. um...changing subject).

wisely, mlb is not going to suspend/fine sheffield over the issue. it's just weird that the media is hopping all over this. we already know that BALCO and the bald doctor with the porn star mustache were up to sketchy things. i just imagined they'd find more than suped-up icy hot.

i just read on espn that for the yanks, tonite's game is a "definite must win." i've probably made mention of this before, as it is a huge pet peeve for me, but can we clarify for all the internet/world to read what a "must win" situation is? oh yeah, it's when you play a game that if you lose, your season is over. GAMES 1 & 2 OF AN LDS CAN NEVER BE CALLED A MUST WIN. GAMES 1-3 OF AN LCS OR THE WORLD SEREIS CAN NEVER BE CALLED A MUST WIN.

i like how espn uses the word "definite," meaning the "must win" is so true it comes straight from the definition! i assure you, espn and sportscasters everywhere, that the yankees can lose this game and still win the series. i'm fairly sure you don't have to be a math major at mit to figure this out. but just in case, it's a good thing i was.

this bothers me way more than it should.

the magic 8 ball says:

the sox will win 5-4 today with a late inning scare from boston's bullpen once schilling hands it over.

the yanks beat johan and the spirit of greater minneapolis 5-3. bernie hits a late inning jack off j.c. romero.

the stros and braves will have the nite off.

one last thing - are the 2004 yankees the best team ever to have no regular hit >.300?

in general, i am one who will moderately defend the "ridiculous" salaries that pro athletes make. in their particular field, they are in the top .000001% of the population and while not doing things like "saving lives" (as is often the argument), it's pretty obvious they bring am exorbitant amount of pleasure/entertainment/fun to the world. and most importantly, they (almost always) bring in more money than they are paid. no one complains that bill gates makes 5 gazillion dollars a year, and i'd bet more people worldwide follow pro sports than own windows.

but there is one thing in particular that i find atrocious with the treatment of pro athletes: the way their punishments for criminal actions are doled out. and i don't mean lighter sentences (which is arguable) - i mean how if they are found guilty, it seems they are always sent to jail in their off-season so as not to derail their career/team's season. jamal lewis is apparently about to be sentenced to 4-6 months in jail. but not til the nfl season is over.

could you imagine if an average joe was guilty of drug trafficking (sp?) and he was all "jail time rite now doesn't really work for my career, i have a big project due soon, and i'm up for a raise next month. pencil me in for every other weekend next june-august."?? the judge would laugh in his face before the warden threw him in the hole for 3 weeks...

we went to a barbeque on saturday. there were two kegs (neither of which was natty light, bud, miller, or coors). there were multiple grills going, and a fire pit. there were lots of Brazilians there (don’t ask me). there was a flip cup table that rivaled that on the 4th floor of SAE.

it was fun to spend 6+ hours at said bbq. it was fun to play 20 v 20 flip cup in a near pitch black back yard (sadly, this deteriorated quickly). it was fun to watch multiple (small) girls promise they could carry our 230-lb friend kyle around (and somehow succeed, even while he was slapping their asses like happy gilmore on a golf club). it was fun to marker people before they had passed out (especially the two sober folks).

but you know what is VERY fun? my new hobby: renaming people’s pets. the host of the bbq claimed her puppy’s name was dusty, or dust ball, or something that i clearly didn’t approve of. so now that puppy’s name is “marinade.” and if asked, i’d like to think (nay, i know) that roughly 99% of the party-goers can attest to this. what made this very VERY fun was that marinade’s owner shockingly did not like his new (and much more fitting) name, and spent a long time going from guest to guest making sure they called the dog dusty (or dust bin or whatever). all in vain, my friends, all in vain.

long live marinade.

over the weekend, i loaned my boss my copy of the royal tenenbaums. this morning he told me he tried to watch it twice, and neither time could he muster all the way through. he said it was dark, not funny, and a waste of time.

i proceeded to pee (just a little) in the corner of his office while he was in a meeting.

back in april, i predicted:

al east - yanks
al central - chisox
al west - angels
al wildcard - bosox

yanks over chisox, bosox over angels, yanks over bosox. i hafta say, i did a good job with these (bonus points for getting the matchups in the playoffs rite if you sub twins for chisox). and i think i'll be right on two of these 3:

al mvp - vlad
al cy young - moose (stop throwing so many hooks!!!)
al roy - crosby

now over in the nl? slightly different story.

nl east - phillies
nl central - stros
nl west - d-backs (honestly. this is just the worst)
nl wildcard - cubs

cubs over phils, stros over d-backs, cubs over stros, yanks over cubs. picking 1 out of 4 playoff teams is never good. about the only thing i did rite was guess the east winner would play the wildcard. i swear, if sexson didn't get hurt the nl west would've played out much differently. really. i mean it. to make matters worse, i shit the bed on these too:

nl mvp - thome
nl cy young - prior
nl roy - edwin jackson

since im assessing predictions, i might also point out that on september 1st i wrote this about the bosox and their last month of the season:

"they'd need to play over .650-ball against playoff teams/contenders. i just think that's a stretch. prediction: the yanks win the division by 3-4 games."

yup, the yanks did in fact win the division by 3 games. i even took a lot of heat about that post. but before i pat myself on the back, i will admit to writing something about the tribe overtaking the twins by mid september if wickman had anything left in the tank. well, even if bob wickman turned into eric gagne the tribe would've still struggled to take second.

so in conclusion - me and the al? good. me and the nl? not so much.

for those of you who watched the debate between thing 1 and thing 2 last nite, you missed one hell of an air force-navy game. i didn't see one minute of the talky-talky but did find out that our local bw3's has an official chinese football table, with built in goal posts, plastic footballs, and a table with yardlines and a drawer-like thing that catches the too-strong taps.

i don't know why it's called chinese football, nor do i care, but 3/4's of my middle school memories come from serious chinese football action. games were always played in homeroom or at lunch when it was too cold/wet for outdoor recess. from 1988-1992 making sketchy or moving goalposts with your thumbs and index fingers was the most controversial topic in school this side of the gnr-def leopard debates. we had stats, rankings, tournaments, stadium (table) effects - let me tell you it was intense (and no girls would talk to me - weird, no?). it has somehow become accepted that bill james is the father of sabermetrics, but don't be fooled - they are actually the brainchild of my middle school lunch crew.

last nite at the grocery store, they were holding a competition for best snack cake maker. there were representatives from hostess and little debbie, er, i mean dostess and little hebbie, and when quizzed about their ingredients it became clear to everyone that they used the same shit. nevertheless, people were asked to choose who made the best snake cake: dostess or little hebbie. right and left, people were gobbling up snack cakes. i think dostess was leading while i was there.

since both of these companies gross me out, i asked the manager why there were no drake's cakes in the competition. i was raised on drake's (i mean crake's! maker of the devil dog!!). they are awesome, and the creme they use in the middle of their snake cakes tastes better (more like real whipped cream, less like liquified plastic). the manager said he had never heard of crake's, and i explained that while i understand this fact, it doesn't mean they shouldn't be in the snake cake competition. the fact that crake's is a new england-based company shouldn't exclude them.

another customer overheard me talking with the manager and said their favorite snack cakes were made by some small grocery store in oregon where he grew up. the guy said "tony's cakes" (i'm not changing this one) were definitely the best he had ever tasted, but since they were made without preservatives and couldn't be shipped far, they were not known to many people.

the dostess and little hebbie spokespersons laughed a little when they overheard the other customer and me mentioning the less publicized snake cake companies. the dostess guy told me he had heard of crake's but that he didn't think were any good. some of the tasters mumbled "yeah, i could believe that" as they gorged on snack cakes.

tallies kept being marked on either side, and it was pretty close when i left. the last thing i asked the manager was what dostess and little hebbie were going to do with the results of the great snack cake competition. he told me whoever won was going to advertise themselves as the "best snack cakes in the country" in a new set of commercials. i frowned and told him he should really try a devil dog, but he just chuckled and shook his head.

now that's some bullshit.

here's something i don't like - movies opening in "select cities." why do all the fake-ass, wanna-be actors in la get to see "i heart huckabees" tonite, while the booming metropolis of dayton, ohio has to wait? this makes no sense to me.

what's worse is that if you are going to use such a ridiculous method of releasing a film, shouldn't it open in small cities like dayton that have 4 bars and no sports teams? it could be like how small businesses have to win x% of contracts. i mean, the big cities offer lots of activities and cultural going-ons, and they get to see the movies first too? if i ever release a movie (which obviously has a strong likelihood of happening, what with that screenplay about archimides the lemmer and i are working on), it's opening in the middle of nowheresville at drive-in theaters, where people eat cotton candy, get drunk, and have sex during the previews (but not all at once. that would be sticky).

can there even be any debate that vlad is the AL MVP (mo rivera is the only other guy worth considering)? seriously, the impaler is carrying anaheim. 4-4 with 2 jacks yesterday? holy shit, if he had any help in the lineup they woulda pulled that one out. his OPS is .990, and the next best of any regular is .785 by garrett anderson (technically .849 by jo-see-you-later guillen, but he's no help now). the rotation has been atrocious all year (vlad does everything else, maybe they oughta throw him and his cannon out on the hill), and the bullpen has not been as good as it was in 2002. getting glaus back is huge for them. the a's have to be a (big) underdog in the series this weekend even with a much better team on paper. the angels momentum is strong rite now, and we all now how important it is to peak rite at playoff time.

this a's-angels series is one of the biggest regular season sets of the last 10 years, and it actually bodes well for all the other al playoff teams (because whoever wins will have in essence played an extra playoff series). if you're the twins, you most likely need a sweep this weekend in order to play the sox, which you have to think they prefer after losing three straight heartbreakers to the yanks this week.

the stros are in the drivers seat over in the NL (3 games with the rockies this weekend), as the cubs have gone from shooting themselves in the foot to lopping their legs off with a dull knife (no bartman to blame this year fuckers). if the stros take it, i see them upsetting the braves in round 1 (would YOU wanna face clemens/oswalt in a 5-game set when you're trotting out mike hampton and fat-ass ortiz?). and if the dodgers hang on, i just hope they get swept asap by the cards because i'd rather be forced to watch the we network clockwork-orange style than see la make it past round 1.