strong as a can

no posts since last last tuesday? that's crap. today i have/had a lot of meetings, which is code for sitting in a conference room drawing wu-tang symbols in my daily organizer (which contains nothing but vacation plans or fantasy baseball transactions) until i hear someone ask me a question. then i just nod and say things like "sure, sure." or "i'll start that today." shut up, it's harder than it sounds.

either way, it doesn't allow me my 4 hour morning internet fix, so while i'm working on a baseball draft update post and a t-day post, this is all i can offer at the moment:

-drew henson completed 4 of 12 passes for 30+ yards and STILL outplayed eli.
-there have never been two more boring thanksgiving day games than we experienced last thursday.
-how long before edgerrin starts grumbling about never getting to score touchdowns a la the rb in varsity blues?
-while watching a great snow game in denver last nite, i learned that kerry collins and jake "i wanna be johnny damon" plummer have combined for over 45 4th quarter come-from-behind wins in their careers. this is more unbelievable than that catch by ronald curry.
-michael vick: 2 completions in the second half. honestly, is the gold club catering the half time buffet in atlanta's lockerroom? "two minutes before [the second half] and you're in here wasting your [qb rating] on some piece of ass?!"
-i officially don't like chris berman. that screeching "BWOOOP!" thing he does everytime a rb jukes a defender is just awful. at this point he is marginally better than linda cohn(head).
-the suuuuuper sonics are so fun to watch. they make the right pass all the time, ray allen is playing like he just got back from a recruiting trip with rick fox, and i think i have a crush on luke ridnour (which is making nick collison veeeerrrry jealous).
-i stumbled upon this seinfeld top 10 sports episodes on page 3 of espn. it make-a me laugh.

4 things that would rule:

1. cinnamon ice cream with oatmeal cookie chunks and fudge. oh wait! that exists! best ice cream ever. thank you bj!

2. a new paul giamatti movie. oh that exists too! sideways, hitting select cities tomorrow. and this one is even showing in dayton. finally a little respect for "the birthplace of aviation"! i've been looking forward to this one for a while, and if you haven't, well, then at least it co-stars lowell from wings.

3. the michael vick amusement park ride featured in those nike spots. honestly, that thing would kick as much ass as chun li. ("chun li! [flexes boobs] chun li! [stares at crowd with bizarro eyes] chun li!")

4. a Kevin Millar and His Shotglass Bobblehead. cmon. you know you want one.

last week i saw something about the year's best toys. well, since i moonlight as a toy designer/elf, i figured i'd share some of my prototypes that have (somehow) been turned down by toys-r-us and kaybee stores:

Britney Spears as "Talking Wedding Chapel Barbie"
not only does the britney doll come with 2 wedding dresses (one red latex and one tube top with accompanying 20 foot python), it says things like "i like tequila!" and "justin has a small penis anyway." Trashbag Ke(vi)n doll sold separately. also, the ken doll comes with a miniature pick-up truck on cinder blocks.

Evander Holyfield's "Can't Sock Em, Get Rocked By Em" boxing game.
just like rock em, sock em, but the holyfield boxer can't move. at all. actually, this is a one player game, as you use your boxer to furiously pummel evander into oblivion. (seriously. retire. please.)

Mark Madsen's Dance Off 2005.
lots of dance-challenged characters, including Keith the White (MIT) Frat Boy, Fred the 40-something Mid-Life Crisis Candidate, and Madsen himself. i pitched this one to x-box to compete with that popular hip-hop dancing game you see all the skaters do at the arcade (not that i've been to an arcade lately. um, errr, or ever). juan pierre was all set to do the rapping and everything, but the whole project got nixed.

Hungry, Hungry Kirstie
4 kirstie alley shaped heads (pink, orange, red, green) trying to gobble donut-shaped marbles. an instant classic, no?

Kevin Millar and His Shotglass Bobblehead
i threw this out there to john henry & co., but they didn't think it was fan-friendly enough. whatever. i sold the idea to chechi (the hotdog vendor at gate C) for 3 brats and a lemonade, so look for these on yawkey way next season anyway.

well, none of these ideas has prospered like i hoped (i can't believe it either!). but that didn't stop deeds from sending cards to hallmark, and it's not going to stop me. i think what im working on now ("alien vs predator vs ron artest") could make me the big bucks.

so i wanted to put this out there yesterday, but with all the lemmertarian discussions i didn't get to it. so here's to tuesday morning quarterbacking.

ahhh, eli manning. i saw 3/4's of this game and while i'm sure eli manning will be a solid nfl quarterback, the announcers were on this guy's cock like he was already better than johnny unitas. i mean, every little thing he did they were gushing over. "did you see him look off his intended receiver?" [actually he was just facing left before the snap and immediately turned and threw right] "oh look how quick the ball gets to the receiver! toomer wasn't even looking yet!" [um, that means he didn't let the play unfold long enough, doesn't it? miscommunication, no?] "the giants are killing manning with all these drops!" [sure, there were a few drops (which happens every week for every team), but some of what the announcers were calling "drops" were simply off the mark with hilliard/toomer having to leap into traffic to get a hand on them. really, there were no drops after midway into the 2nd quarter]

manning finished 17-37 for 162 yards, with 1 td and 2 picks (could've easily been three and a an ATL td on that screen pass he threw that got called back due to a false start). block out the name, and that is simply a miserable performance. and this week writers are having the gall to say he didn't get enough support in the game. whaaaa? barber ran for 107 yards on 21 carries - a very good game. the giants defense kept vick in check after the first quarter (by the way, when is vick going to learn to tuck the ball when he scrambles? he fumbled out of bounds once because of the non-tuck, and this will continue), allowing manning the chance to stage a comeback. but he didn't come through.

so please, mr. and mrs. media, take your collective face out of his colon. like i said, eli will probably be a good qb in time. but let's leave all the raving for when that time comes.

instead id' rather focus on drew henson, who finally gave us cowboy fans something positive to build on. granted he entered the game in a blowout, but it's not like the ravens were all "let's just allow him to march down the field and have his way with us," which is exactly what happened after his initial blind-sided fumble. henson looked very sharp (didn't throw an incompletion), and more importantly had some zip on the ball. vinny's long ball was starting to look like a pooch punt, and he was forcing at least 2 balls on every possession into double/triple coverage (partly because by the time the ball reached keyshawn the safeties had time to collapse).

now, i don't want to make too much of this. henson showed a lot of promise, but it was just one drive. still, at 3-7, is there any question who should be starting thursday? i mean, if the giants were 3-7 the ball would be handed to eli with no questions asked. this is a no-brainer, especially after his mini-audition. they're playing the bears (not exactly the eagles), their o-line (despite a false start every 3.2 plays) is solid enough to keep the heat off, julius jones has solidified eddie george's retirement. give the kid the ball. please. if only to make me forget the "he's the next mike schmidt" promises that teased us for years and the god-awful strikeout rate that never improved...

holy shit, the internet is hopping with ron artest commentary! all im going to say is that unlike most of america, i think the suspensions were too much, that the fans involved should be given a lifetime ban from the detroit arena, and that the league should force detroit to eliminate beer sales for the remainder of the season AND to eliminate courtside seating or put up a hockey-like glass barrier for 3-5 seasons. but that's all im saying on the matter because:

(1) nina bowled a 207 on friday nite. we haven't so much as smelled a bowling alley in 15 months and she joins the 200 club in the first game. it was beautiful. i liken this to not playing basketball for a year, then needing only one chance to go around the world. a fucking 207! i just can't get over this. or the fact that she did it with a hot pink ball. that thing was beautiful too.

(2) i actually was watching the pacers-pistons game live in the fourth quarter. and until the 2 minute mark, here's what had my head spinning:
-that weird spot on rasheed's head. honestly, has anyone ever discovered what that thing is? it looks like he tried to iron his head. which wouldn't really surprise me, given that rasheed fathered a child at age 14.
-why is rip hamilton still wearing that face mask? how bad is his broken face? is it part of his gear now, like a wrist band or tattoo?
-how is ben wallace not a better offensive player? is it really hard to become a better shooter from 12 feet? cmon ben - 1000 12 footers a day all summer, and you're a scoring machine.
-i finally found someone with a faster metabolism than mine: tayshaun prince. jeez, man put some weight on. and keep your elbow in a jumper one time (he'd be even more deadly with a little more arc on his j).
-i put the sideline clipboard count at 7. someone needs to tell these guys that you don't draw on those things with permanent marker.

so like i said, i was watching that game live. that is, until the pistons pretty much pulled away and i noticed that family bonds was on hbo. this show is beyond funny (huge UIH factor here. e.x. all the trashy women on the show go to a manicure place in a strip mall called "the classy lady") and so i obviously made the switch, just in time to miss the melee. i guess that's ok, because i've only seen it 342 times (and counting) since.

(3) vermont almost knocked off first ranked kansas and harvard almost took down notre dame, both losing by 7. sure, it's true that close only counts in horse shoes, hard grenades, and finishing projects at work, but it's still good to see some small new england schools taking it to the big guns.

it's common knowledge that the nba is losing fans faster than bartolo colon is gaining chins, and that the league is headed into a downward spiral. not that i think it will ever go as far (down) as the nhl, but the nba should be playing close attention to it's ugly cousin:

(warning: my hockey knowledge is suspect at best)

15 years ago, the nhl had it's poster boy: wayne gretzky. for all but the uber-fans, this guy WAS hockey. you saw his jersey all over the place, he was winning stanley cups, drawing in non-hockey fans. when he left, the nhl tried constantly to find "the next gretzky", the next nice-guy superstar who would draw fans into the new millenium. instead of pushing the game or the teams, they pushed individuals. this failed. the league expanded, the number of playoff teams expanded, and this failed. so now we have owners locking out the players (reportedly because their losses are less this way than if they were playing the season), and the nhl could soon be dead. that is, until they start a new nhl with way less teams and way smaller salaries.

10 years ago, the nba had it's poster boy: michael jordan. for all but the uber-fans, this guy WAS basketball. you saw his jersey all over the place, he was winning nba championships, drawing in non-hoops fans. when he left, the nba tried constantly to find "the next MJ", the next nice-guy superstar who would draw fans into the new millenium. instead of pushing the game or the teams, they pushed individuals. this is failing. the league expanded, the number of playoff teams expanded, and this is failing. with these parallels to the nhl, how long will it be before the nba is on it's last legs?

in recent years i have blasted the nba. but i'm giving the nba another chance. i really am. i have fond memories of listening to the knicks on 660AM radio (we had 5 channels back then) and of taking the train to MSG. of watching oakley quietly grab 12 boards a game to the delight of walt clyde frazier. of seeing action jackson do that thing with his hand before free throws (not realizing that THIS gesture would spawn the doug christie sign language, scarring us all forever). i was a big knicks fan growing up, but the days of johnny newman are over. i've been rooting for golden state since mullin first arrived, and that's about as fun as diarrhea.

so, sure, i don't like the way the (nba) game is played and i don't like the super stars. i think the league has serious problems with it's fan base, and some of the organizations are horribly managed (just a few years ago, the bulls had elton brand AND ron artest and got rid of them both - if you don't build around them, who the fuck ARE you gonna build around? oh yeah, eddy curry). but really, what can i do to change that? not much.

but there's one thing i can do: root for a new team!

is a new team what i need? could this revitalize my interest in pro basketball? if so, how do i go about picking one? do i pull for the spurs and their professional aura? the cavs because im an ohioan (for the moment)? when you pick a team to follow, do they have to stink so as not to be a bandwagon fan? does that relegate me to chicago, who inexplicably has 3 talented young point guards (hinrich, duhon, gordon)?

i don't know. it seems so criminal just latching onto a team (any team, any sport) at age 26. there is something very wrong with this...

[thinking]

[thinking]

that's it! i've just decided my new nba allegiance will go to utah (and GS too). the jazz! i'm okay with this. because of jerry sloan. because of quiet talent like the brothers carlos. because of the ridiculousness of their being named after a musical genre. because my sister used to live in salt lake city. because i saw (in person) john stockton set the nba steals record. because karl malone is a dick and he's gone. wow, it's not even taking me long to think of these! it's destiny!

so if you see a vintage hornacek jersey on ebay, let me know.

yay for american public schools! so bush put this lady in charge of the department of education. she helped implement the no child left behind thing (you know, the plan that forces teachers to spend 90% of there time on the one or two kids who can't do anything, and 10% on the other 28 students. clearly a fair allotment of time and a fantastic way to foster learning!), so she must be good! here's an idea: put someone who has been a teacher in charge of the teaching department! novel, i know. but seriously, why put a career politician (she is a "longtime policy adviser to the president") in charge of a non-political department? honestly, laura bush would be a more appropriate nominee.

and in case that didn't get you down on our school system, check this out. really, the whole thing is summed up with:

"On the eighth-grade version of the test, almost 40 percent of the questions address skills taught in first or second grade..."

hey, as long as everyone feels good about themselves, the rest will take care of itself, rite?. self-esteem >>>>> knowledge/results, rite?. sure, we're churning out HS graduates who can't read, write, or add. but who cares? they're all super!

this whole MNF nakedness thing is getting waaay out of hand. in this piece on espn, tony dungy claims it's racist. racist! he says that because the spot would never have been shot with parcells or andy reid (who are white), it is racist. apparently tony is too moronic to realize that parcells and/or reid would never be in an ad like that because they are fat and old. i have lost all respect for dungy with this claim. he should be embarrassed beyond belief for making a statement like that. bill cosby, please call tony and set him straight on this.

i guess i can see why people thought this was mildly inappropriate, mostly just because it was unexpected (i mean there are a lot "worse" things on during primetime, but whatever). but the whole moralistic take on the matter is unbelievably arbitrary. i mean, the only case you can possibly be making is that you don't want your kids to see it, rite? but watching t.o. and guys like him show a complete lack of sportsmanship (taunting, talking shit, etc) is totally acceptable for your youngins to see? boobs = bad, acting like a complete dickhead = okay?

that's what kills me about this. i abhor the showboating "entertainment" that (especially in the nfl) has become so commonplace in bigtime sports. forget seeing some lady's naked back as she jumps into someone's arms (honestly, you see more skin watching the red carpet at the oscar's). i'd be far more concerned with the prospect of my child learning to act like a total douche after having a little success on the playing field. but you know what? since sportsmanship is part of my "moral code", it would be MY responsibility to tell MY child that dancing after a 3 yard run is inappropriate. im not asking the FCC, ABC, the eagles or even owens himself to step in and stop that shit.

anyway, i just wanted to point out the complete hypocrisy involved with how the FCC/media impose their morals on the public. a qausi-unfortunate incident occurred. how bout everyone stops crying about the fact that it happened and fucking deal with the impact it had.

is there a worse person to blackmail than gary sheffield? he is absolutely terrifying. you don't fuck with someone who could decapitate you with one swing of the bat. you just don't.

see? he's even on ethan's list of:
People To Never Ever Under Any Circumstances Mess With
kaiser soze
charles haley
gary sheffield
a powder puff girl (just to make sure you were paying attention)
dmx
garland greene

if you meet these people in a dark alley, and you have a gun while they do not, just shoot yourself. otherwise you will just piss them off. bad idea.

on the kmart-sears merge (from cnn):

"Imagine going into Kmart and buying a Sears Craftsman tool set, or buying Kmart's Martha Stewart home products at Sears. This deal will take the loyal shoppers of each retailer and cross-pollinate them with familiar brands from each store," said retail analyst Marshal Cohen.

i can't imagine it! it's just too fucking craaaaaazzzzzyyyyy!!!!!

COLLEGE FOOSBALL
i had a discussion over the weekend with my dad and brother about timmy chang setting the all-time college passing record with well over 15,000 yards. i said it was friggin impressive (he's only a 3 year starter too!), but they both thought it was rather meaningless. i know he's in a passing offense and teams play more games/year than they used to, but throwing 24 300+ yard games (including 6 400+ yard games) in a college career is something, no? i guess part of their bias is that he will not do much in the nfl (5th round? non-drafted free agent signing?). still, it's an impressive feat in my mind.

NFL
how happy do you think san diego is that they didn't keep eli manning? they have drew brees coming into his own (what? it takes a few years for young guys to learn the ropes? shocking.) and a less expensive phillip rivers (phoenix) quietly sitting on the bench. meanwhile, over in NY they're handing the ball to an overrated, fragile, controversy-riddled eli manning in the middle of the playoff hunt. i can't believe they are doing this, especially given the 2 reasons i've heard:

(1) "kurt warner can't handle the blitz". well, sure, he may struggle with it, even more than most. but what makes los gigantes think wee lil eli will be able to? all those nasty pass rushes he got at ole miss? and you know every d-linemen in the league wants welcome that little shit to the league appropriately after demanding which team would get him.

(2) "look at the success the other rookies have had" (roths-buddy and krynzel). first, what on god's green earth does their performance have to do with projecting eli's? they all went to vastly different schools, played against varied college competition, but oh yeah, they came from the same draft so obviously they're comparable. second, while kryznel has won a few games, does anyone actually think this guy will be an nfl starter next year? the guy throws for roughly 8 yards/game and his qb rating in sunday's "impressive" win was a whopping 19.3. to put things in perspective as to how low that is, the aforementioned rivers (who has no pass attempts and 3 carries for -4 yards on the season) has a qb rating of 34.3.

all i know is that the vikings must be pumped that there's one less playoff contender to worry about.

one last note on the nfl - is watching games on cbs not the most awful sports experience out there? honestly, i enjoy the coverage of preseason college hoops on FSN more. the field always looks florescent green, the announcers are borderline catatonic, everyone involved just seems to know their program blows. it's sad, really.

MLB
how about the lovely al leiter for the yanks new david wells? sign him for roughly $6 mil and give him the chance to erase the luis sojo grounder up the middle from his memory forever. he's a classy guy and seems to value winning over all else, two things which would endear him to jeter & co. immediately.

NBA
dan dickau (formerly of gonaga buzzer beater fame) could be the next brian cardinal or eric piatkowski. he just needs to get off that loaded mavs bench. and speaking of the mavs, what's a worse signing: dampier at $10.4 mil/year putting up 8 pts, 7 boards a game (and playing only 5 minutes last nite), or golden state's foyle at $7 mil/year for 4 pts, 4 boards? i lean towards foyle. regardless, it's very disappointing to see cuban (mr. math) and my hoops hero chris mullin (must be boozing again) make these moves.

hey, i'm all for making the ever-annoying vinsanity's life a little tougher, but this whole ipod thing is just dumb. what is with the pro leagues being such a pain in the ass to the players? a while back the nfl was levying a hefty fine on jake plummer for wearing a small #40 (tribute to pat tillman) on his helmt. maybe ol' vince doesn't wanna listen to the theme from mortal kombat or whatever other garbage nba arenas play during warmups so he's getting pumped to artest's girl band (oh wait, not until november 23rd) or "it's raining men". who cares? how is this violation of league policy since he's not wearing it during the game? these rules are just getting embarassing...

...but not as embarassing as losing to your 6 year old niece in hangman. yup, among the other things nina and i did this weekend at my brother's house (like getting yelled at by mall security for dancing in a drained fountain), i lost to my niece on "jaguar". in my defense, this is an excellent hangman word. and i may or may not have been reading "tacky the penguin" to my other niece while playing. but still. she's only 6. i guess i'll let it slide because (a) most other 6 year olds don't even know what a jaguar is let alone spell it, (b) after that she explained the concept of negative numbers to everyone so i think she's on pace to be smarter than me by, oh, her 9th birthday.

we also went to some air/space museum in dc this weekend (a new one has opened by dulles airport for any interested parties). lots of interesting stuff there, but you know what confused me the most? no, not how satellites are sent into orbit, but why the russian argonauts ate borsht in a tube. i mean, our guys have vacuum packed scramby eggs n cheese and they get beets? in a tube?

on the vacuum packed front, i naturally got some astronaut ice cream at the gift shop. even though my entire family gagged at both this purchase and the actual ice cream, i stand by my story like sampson simpson: that shit is delicious. what's not to like about a freeze dried neopolitan 'scream bar? sure beats tubed borsht.

you know what else is confusing? that i lift weights 4 times a week and run roughly 10 miles/week yet nothing exhausts me more than holding a 6 month old child for 15 minutes. it is downright draining. i spend the entire time worrying that my nephew isn't comfortable, that he's going to start squirming or bawling any second, that he's going to grow up liking lacrosse better than baseball (that MD upbringing is stressing me out), or that he might just take a dookie (kerplunk!) on my arm. we didn't even drink much while we there, yet by 11:30pm everynite i was passing out while watching monsters, inc. this is simply mond boggling.

so naturally we got home sunday nite, nina and i both took monday off and watched 4 movies in a 12 hour span. aaahh, the adult life.

and so, now that i'm almost fully recuperated, i'll leave you with 5 action-ish movies i like waaaay more than i should:
-starship troopers
-the mummy
-i spy
-the rundown
-the fast n the furious

things that have me shaking my head today (some in confusion, others in amazement):

-tv stations refusing to show saving private ryan today, on veteran's day. yes, it's violent. i guess there's a few cuss words in there. but does the FCC and it's self-imposing moral code really have this much power? sure, they're not censoring the movie. they'll just fine you zillions of dollars if you show it. nevermind that the movie has aired on tv before...

-france is holding some sort of ceremony for arafat. this is weird, no?

-the shooting percentage of the abysmal golden state warriors (36% thru 5 (shockingly) winless games). they need to do the schilling-ankle thing to poor (i mean rich, really fucking filthy rich) troy murphy's foot. two years ago, this guy was a double-double machine (AND he combed his hair before games). now? not so much. for pete's sake, he's on the verge of losing PT to clifford (robinson, not the big red dog)

-lebron james' 4th quarter. and that i'm talking about the nba!

-the complete lack of attention being given to that fact that the nhl may never again exist. granted this is not one of the big three, but still. the nhl has a lot of fans. it has existed for many years and is enjoyed in other, colder countries. and it's gone! i heard somewhere the 05-06 season may soon be (top) shelved too. even though i don't follow hockey at all, i still think this is a sad situation.

-that we went to a bar/club on a weeknite (celebrating the base soccer championship won on tuesday). and that while out on the dance floor shaking what my momma gave me, i caught a glimpse of the modern day rik smits dripping a 3 to send the cavs into OT. and that this piqued my interest more than the 30 college coeds grinding on the stage. and that i woke up at 8:40am after roughly 14 snooze button presses, showered, and made it to my 9am meeting. and that there were bagels there. luck be a lady. or something.

so the rocket pitched in the japan-mlb exhibition game last nite. and, well (from espn):

"Japan's legendary slugger Sadaharu Oh, who is managing the Japanese stars, presented Clemens with a bouquet of flowers before the start of the game."

hahahahahahahahaha.

so michael phelps, winner of 6 medals for the good old USA in this summer's olympics, was arrested and jailed for a DUI last week. this was a much bigger mistake than it seems. first off, he's underage. this happened to a high school buddy of mine, and from a legal standpoint, it's not good. and, at least in NY, you lose your license, which is a much bigger pain in the ass than it seems. next, and much more importantly, phelps' income is derived solely from endorsements. in case you weren't aware, there's not a lot of money in professional swimming. and this sort of thing does not go over well when (a) you are the face of your sport, and (b) a big part of your appeal is your "good guy" image. i would wager this will cost him a pretty penny over the next 4 years (before he can gain everyone's favor with some more patriotism).

is there a worse team to root for in the nfl than the cowboys? sure, there are worse teams, but to root for? i doubt it. they are just unbelievably inconsistent. on any given sunday (hey, that would be a great name for a football movie!) you have no idea what they will bring. the front office has to be kicking themselves for cutting quincy carter given that he didn't get suspended and is now about to lead the jets to the playoffs (or for the next month, whichever comes first). vinny looks like he's playing a game of 500 out there ("okay, this one is worth 75!!"). their defense can't force a friggin turnover, and their best runner is richie (rich) anderson. this week their taking a page from notre dame and starting the towel boy at receiver. and yet going into sunday's game they were in the playoff hunt. what's potentially better but in reality much much worse is that they've been on tv roughly 6 weeks so far, so i've gotten to see first hand the deficits grow, trying desperately to believe they can score 2 td's AND get both 2 point conversions in 8 minutes to beat carson palmer. (and they're on monday nite against philly next week. lovely. TO is going to make this painful for me)

the NL cy young goes to the rocket. he had an amazing year, but really this is bogus. wins and losses take way too high a priority (oswalt and his 1.24 WHIP took third in the voting because of his 20 wins) but if you want to play that game, the big unit played for a team that won 51 games, and he won 16. besides, his numbers are better across the board.

this would've been my top 5
the unit
ben sheets
chaz brown
the rocket
brad lidge

the fact that zambrano and especially pavano got so many more votes than sheets is pathetic. same goes for gagne getting more votes than lidge (but i concede this is at least arguable). how can the writers still be voting for these things anyway? they have absolutely no objectivity.

first trade of the offseason: the dads send terrence long ($3.5mil) and tankersly (young, supposed to have some big upside) to the royals for darrell may (<$2 mil) and bukvich (blah middle reliever). pretty weird trade. maybe the padres think may (a flyball guy) will do well in enormous petco. maybe they just wanted to get rid on long (who is one of the worst offensive of's around). or maybe the hype on tankersly is bullshit. why else would they give him up for a 32 year old southpaw coming off a (nearly) 6 ERA season, and a journeyman reliever? clearly im missing something, or else this is just one of those "let's shake things up" maneuvers. either way, i don't think there is a clear cut winner here. but i do like seeing some baseball action going down...

non-married folk often have a skewed view of what it's like to be married. it's often (by kramer) perceived as eating dinner at the table and not in front of the tv, talking about your day, and evenings spent watching the oxygen channel.

but it's not like that. i promise. why, you say? well, there's 2 reasons, actually:

(1) dinner is on plastic tray tables while watching PTI (really. where else would it be?), followed by lobbing pretzels into each other's mouths from various locations around the living room. this is waaay more fun than it sounds, until you inevitably take a pretzel nib off the front tooth. oof, that makes for a terrible sound.

(2) nina and i have a love affair with board games. and card games. and puzzles. you name it, we've played it. mancala, contract gin, crosswords. trivial putsuit, cribbage, scrabble. scattegories, rummy 500(0), yahtzee. our most recent game of hangman took place during game 7 of the ALCS, just after the damon grandslam. it was a great distraction until i couldn't get "_aseline" and just started yelling "i already said baseline! it's gotta be baseline!!" (the answer was vaseline, which is very clever given the situation the yanks were in. clever girl.)

and don't think we limit ourselves to 2 person games. no way. we've played one-on-one cranium. you simply sign a pact at the start, agreeing to, in fact, try your hardest guessing the other's clues. i gotta say the best not-meant-for-one-on-one game is catchphrase. the two of us sit there and furiously pass the catchphrase clicker back and forth as the beeps get faster and faster. it pretty much looks like "hot potato". oh man, and don't get me started on hot potato...

so, the point of this story is not to break (reinforce?) existing "married life" stereotypes, or to brag about how i am ungodly at (cheating in) battleship the card game and how nina is perhaps the best boggle player this side of the mississippi. well, at least that's not the whole point.

the point is (in an entirely different direction) to mention how much it rules when your single friends get girlfriends. no more being the wing-couple and having uncomfortable conversation with some girl's sister and the sister's boyfriend. and more importantly, no more getting dragged to dayton bars to watch cornfed midwestern girls drop it like it's hot (which, predictably, is not all that hot).

instead, we get to play board games! with more than 2 people! (see how it all ties in now? i love it when a plan comes together) yup, on saturday we went out to a mexican dinner with our newly coupled friends, drank copious amounts of margaritas, and then ended the nite at our friend's house drinking busch lite (actually i think everyone ELSE was drinking cocktails but whatever) while playing cranium AND taboo. with 6 people! it ruled. plus it's always satisfying to spell snorkel backwards with the game on the line. trust me. i know from experience, dude.

does all of the above make me a huuuuge dork? big time. but don't kid yourself into thinking board games aren't really fun or that married people don't eat pretzels. and don't kid yourself into thinking 'a bridge' isn't a really fucking hard thing to silently act out either.

i wonder what the ratings are for dream job 2 on espn. i mean, the first season was fairly interesting and the idea was (quasi) original. i watched some of it and until the last episode of season 1 thought a follow-up show would be okay.

but then 2 things happened:
(1) zach lost. actually he took 3rd. mike hall beat out some other carbon copy to win. this was an error of gigantic proportions. the next day on PTI kornheiser was lamenting his mistake of not voting for zach, someone with infinitely more personality/flair, and a vastly superior sense of humor. here was the new face of sportscenter, a guy ready to start a revolution. and they pass on him for two cookie cutter tools who seemed to have a suprising lack of sports knowledge. this had me bristling, and figuring that if hall was the direction espn wanted to go, i couldn't watch season 2.

(2) mike hall debuted on sportscenter amidst TONS of hype and commercials proclaiming it was "mike hall week on espn". he was horendous. his humor was forced and terrible. after that week, they sent him on 5 days of relaying "interesting" stories from every corner of the globe (around the time of the olympics). and that's it. he hasn't been seen since. i think he delivered my pizza last nite. the guy got a year contract and has hosted 5 sportscenters and done 90-second bits in 5 more. he would've gotten more exposure doing the weather for FOX 37-Buffalo.

i thought the whole point was to have you pulling for a contestant, be excited for them to win, and therefore attract you to watch the show. but what's the point of watching some unoriginal dan patrick clone win when you're never going to see them again anyway?

obviously i did not watch season 2. in fact, i go out of my way to avoid seeing commercials and episodes. espn shit the bed here. had a great thing, and messed it up. twice.

in other entertainment news, carmelo's own syracuse university is offering an accredited class on rapper lil kim called "hip hop eshu: queen bitch 101". huh. im just baffled here. im not sure if i think this is the best thing ever or the worst. either way, i just lost all respect for the orange school's academic stature (they read song lyrics instead of a text. interesting.). i would love to hear the class discussion when lil kim goes to speak. i put the over/under at 7.5 for number of questions regarding pasties.

can you even imagine paying actual money to take a class like that? how would you ever explain that to whoever is footing the bill for your schooling? or to potential employers?

interviewer: so i see here you took some interesting electives.
syracuse grad: well, yes sir, i wanted to get a well-rounded education.
interviewer: roman history, pyschology, hip hop...queen...bitch...101.
syracuse grad: yes, it was a really insightful look into a realm of our culture that...
interviewer: um, yeah. we'll be in touch. bye bye now.

last thing for today: whom do you think approached whom for the nelly-tim mcgraw compilation? and how did either of them think it was a good idea?

so you're a baseball prospect who is ripping thru the minors, only to be cut on the last day of spring training. after climbing the ladder and putting up great numbers, the last roster spot goes to a more flashy rookie who plays the same position. ouch.

but what luck! a rash of injuries leads to a july call-up! in a penant race! you hop on a plane, get in a cab, and right before you walk into the stadium (and your major league career) you get a phone call from your agent. he says you had options left and have been sent down because the big club wanted a veteran (via a trade that just went thru) down the stretch. and while you've still got a lot going for you, that's gotta sting right? need to be consoled? call john edwards.

***

so do you think bush went on like a 40 hour drinking binge (with his daughters of course) after begin re-elected? i hope there was some serious flip cup going down on JFK's desk tuesday nite.

***

willie randolph to the mets. hmmm. i disagree with ace on this one, at least somewhat. i think willie will bring a positive attitude and a little bit of that yankee confidence to a mets team (and fan base) that is just down in the dumps. art howe was a grump, and i doubt too many players respected him after moneyball. and since the mets are not a team full of youngsters, there's no need for a yeller/screamer. i think randolph will bring the excitement of someone getting his first crack at a job and hold the downtrodden mets to a higher (yankee-esque) standard. his players will have to respect (a) that he worked his way up the coaching chain (basecoach, bench coach, manager) and (b) the fact that he has been part of nothing but winning for the past 10 years. i think he'll basically attempt to emulate torre, and while he won't reach that level, it's still a dyn-o-mite example to have.

the concerns? with mazilli and now randolph doled out, cetain parallels can be drawn to how many of the cowboy's assistants (of their 90's dynasty, e.x. turner, wannstedt) were awarded head coaching jobs, none of whom has had much success since.

a bigger question is who replaces torre? dare i say it? dare i? (whispered: donnie baseball).

***

oh. shit. the fucking O.C. premieres tonite! finally! 8pm est, FOX. if any show deserves a weekly power hour in it's honor, this is it. after months of sailing around the pacific on an 8-foot paddle boat (and hopefully talking to a skateboard named tony and a necklace with summer's picture in it), seth coen re-enters our lives. great television, peers. go grab yourself some beers. i recommend a little O.E. with the O.C., and maybe after pump a lil O.D.B. and yes. i know. i gots mad flow yo.

umm, i don't know what that last part was. whatever. just don't miss it (and im not kidding about the malt licra).

as an american, i have to accept that if the majority of voters want to put candidate A into office, he/she will be the president. that's the way a democratic election works. you vote to put someone into office.

but you know something that in no way should be voted on? fucking civil liberties. the fact that all these states are voting to allow/ban gay marriage is flabbergasting. SEPARATE IS NOT EQUAL, people. this is non-negotiable. we've been over this before. i mean, can you imagine if in the 60's, states had been allowed to vote as to whether or not blacks could go to the same schools as whites? something tells me the state of mississippi would've had no problem passing a segregation amendment.

YOU DON'T GET TO VOTE ON CIVIL LIBERTIES. how can any supreme court (state or federal) allow it to happen? how is this different than if any (southern) state decided it wanted to re-segregate, put it to a vote, and amended the state constitution? oh yeah, IT'S NOT. but, you know, i guess if the bible said integration was evil, that would've never fucking happened either.

arrgh! this bothers me roughly 1438 times more than which douche won the election last nite.

and while i'm yelling (i mean, look at all those CAPS!) why did the nba season start last nite? is david stern a fucking idiot? i guess the super bowl and game 7 of the world series dates were taken. i suppose i should be glad since i think the nba is shite, but it's just a matter of principle. and why is rip hamilton still wearing that mask? hasn't his broken face healed yet? waaaaahhhhh!!!!

all day i've been eating these so-called "two bite brownies" in just one bite. talk about false advertising.

last nite we saw the movie "saw", which is apparently getting hyped as an indie classic. this is weird...since it was awful. i mean, there were some creepy parts (like an uber-weirdo masked man/doll riding a tricycle) and a decent plot twist late in the movie. but the acting? worse than a high school play. all i wanted was for cary elwes to do the claw like in liar liar, but instead he tried to dramatically say things like "fuck this shit!" (i kid you not) and, obviously, that's just not gonna work for him. also, there were more loose ends than something with, like, a lot of loose ends. i'd say you'd need at least 13 beers to enjoy this movie, mostly because you'd have a better time getting up to pee every 4 minutes than watching the whole thing.

to top things off, they didn't show the fandango commercials before the previews. does anyone else have these at their local theaters? they rule. what can i say? i love those talking paper bags (especially the two singing indian ones).

about the only quasi-plus was that there was a preview for blade 3, which features jessica biel (who's just a wee bit attractive), van wilder, AND parker posey. what a team! for some reason i sort of like the blade movies, but all im really hoping for is that it ends with biel uttering "let's be together" after van wilder leaves his no-hitter to catch her at the airport.

i hope you all have a nice evening watching the media skew another presidential election. if you need me i'll be eating pot roast (fuck yeah) and watching scarface (i've somehow never seen this).

aahhh, halloween. a truly great holiday for both the young and the old (though im not sure which category i fit in anymore). like a lot of people, nina and i took part in some halloween festivities this weekend. but unlike most, our experience began at 10am saturday and lasted until sunday at 6pm.

you see, our friend kyle rents a room from a random air force guy. said random guy moved and while his house is on the market, kyle gets the whole place to himself. which is perfect, really, for a heaven and hell halloween party (the house is 2 stories with a basement). so we've been unintnetionally kicking over the "for sale" sign on the lawn (hey, it's windy around here and my foot is rather aerodynamic) and planning for weeks.

so the 8 of us who helped host this gathering got together for a kick-off breakfast on saturday morning, one full of bacon, eggs, and a lot of incidental cursing in front of small children. we split up party jobs, got supplies, and reconvened at kyle's to set up. there were no pledges to boss around, so this took a while.

most parties start at nite., but not this one: kick off 4pm. there was an ice luge upstairs in heaven, a keg and beer pong on the main floor, and some sketchy witch's brew with dry ice steaming (can ice steam?) in hell. on aside, this was the strangest basement you've ever seen. there's just a toilet against the wall. not in a bathroom, just against the wall. this basement clearly belonged in the blair witch project.

nina and i went as sam adams and the st. pauli girl (shout out to ahren and mair for the idea), and before i relay some of the night's events, i suppose i'll run down a list of some of the original costumes on display:
-ari and uzi (from the RT)
-stupendous man (calvin and hobbes)
-magnum PI
-the guinness guys (brilliant!)
-johnny knoxville (his t-shirt read "jackas". now that's funny)
-a christmas tree (with working lights - last year this guy was a traffic signal with working lights)
-misty may and kerry walsh (the 2 female usa volleyball players)
-a one night stand

so when a party starts so early, you are all but guaranteed a fast puke. our friend ben, dressed as a large woman with pasties and g-string, volunteered for this role. unfortunately, when his cue came, nina was in the bathroom. so she's in there, there's some violent banging on the door, and before she can say hold on, there's a river of yack flowing under the door. and i don't mean like the ohio river, im talking the ganges baby. the only river people both shit and bathe in. so she opens up the door to let him in, and he immediately pukes on her leg. this is bad for mulitple reasons, one of which being the fact that nina can barely handle the smell of out kitchen garbage can without dry heaving a little. so ben turned the bathroom into a complete and total barforama - him on the floor, the shower, the toilet, his enormous fake belly, and nina in the sink. she wasn't even drunk (yet) and didn't really care, but old ben's nite was over. at roughly 6:53pm.

by 8 this fiesta was in full swing. it was the closest thing to a frat party i've been to since they shut the doors to the "terror on beacon street" (by the way, i never got one of those fucking t-shirts. some tell lesica to get on that). beer pong was rocking (nina was absolutely unconscious at this), every type of booze you can imagine was pouring down the ice luge (at some point i was pouring coffee liquore), rick james parked his t-bird on the lawn, johnny knoxville was leading people in bush jumping off the porch and also (unsuccessfully) using the phrase "i'm johnny knoxville and this is two hot girls making out with me at the same time", superstar took a knee (way too hard) and took a 4 inch chunk out of her knee cap, some dude arrived from the downtown bars via dayton's finest (honestly how the fuck can you convince a policeman to give you a ride to a party?), people were peeing in the neighbor's bird feeder, misty may claimed she could give me a piggy back ride and wound up taking the edge of the couch straight to the jugular (i was fine, thanks for asking), the keg got kicked and someone bought like 11 cases of busch light, and the night ended at roughly 3am with 30+ bodies strewn out all over the place (best idea ever? we brought a futon mattress).

we woke up at like 8am to the sound of someone walking around looking for their keys (and you all know the filthy sound a hardwood floor makes post-party). after nina's soccer game (don't ask me how she did it), we spent the whole afternoon sponging the walls, mopping floors, picking up marshmellows soaked in jaeger, and watching the chandelier leak (compliments of the ice luge). we got home at 6pm, completely exhausted, dreading the upcoming work week.

and i hope we do the same thing for thanksgiving.

i know there's a pretty large chance manny can't read and so doesn't know what he's holding, but this is just uncalled for. it's totally fine for a fan to hold a sign like that, but not a player. way to handle yourself graciously, manny. you are a true class act. i mean asshole.